awak panas; saya melt :D

2009-12-27T23:56:00.001+08:00

I HAVE CHANGED TO TUMBLR! FOLLOW ME THERE YOU SILENT READERS! =D

www.splatteredberries.tumblr.com

2009-12-27T20:21:00.002+08:00

I just got back from meeting Haizad. Been using my head for the planning of chalet.

And my brain is so tired. ._. And my dear friend just called from camp cause he just made his girlf pregnant. Aiyo thammmbii, how could you be so reckless? Never use condom ah?

Anyways, all my kengkawans are either in camp now or clubbing. And here i am, stuck at home. Watching Singapore Idol which i'm super not interested in. Oh shucks. Family are out , watching Alvin and the Chipmunks 2.

This is what i get when most of my friends who i'm close to are all older than me. I feel so lonely. Macam nak ade boyf gitu. hahahahahaa. Eh eh, not.

Ahhhhhhh, nak jadi playgirl back ah! Ergh

2009-12-26T21:20:00.002+08:00

"I just want to feel safe with someone... to not always be wondering how
he feels about me, to not always be waiting for him to walk away, to not always
be wishing he would love me back. I need to be able to trust that a man is there
for me for the right reasons, because he cares enough to be there" -
[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

Its okay afa. Just remind yourself that you're only 17. And and, you are far happier being single than attached. You'd create a bloody war if you ever get in a relationship! Pity the boy afa pity the boy!

K byeeeee.

2009-12-26T21:05:00.003+08:00

Since i've been sleeping alot. My brain gets worked up now and then and sometimes, the things that i've avoided thinking for the past days just pushes its way back up.

See how frusfrating it is? Because what comes with those thinkings are feelings that i really want to avoid. Feelings such as hurt, jealousy, doubt, confusion. All those not-so-great feelings. It sucks man. It sucks. Ergh.

2009-12-26T20:53:00.002+08:00

I just came back from a day long trip at Mersing. I wasn't supposed to be going because i'm still sick but Umi persuaded me to go cause she said i'm too sickly and she doubts i'd get any better if i keep going under the covers if she went away.

I don't even know where the energy from both my parents come from going after holiday after holiday. They just came back from Haj and a few days later, they planned to go some place else. But it was fun nevertheless.

Am supposed to follow Granny to Kelantan today but since its the moonsoon season and i'm alrd sick, Umi disallow me from following Granny. )): Now i can't see my cousins and the monkeys my Uncle has been taking care of since they were babies.

And FINALLY! I purchased my Body scrub from Body Shop and bought Mascara from the shop as well. So Metro's sale is on at Expo and i've yet to go for it. Maybe i shall go sight-seeing with Brother there tomorrow and then bring Umi along the next day to get the stuff. =D. Next week, i am packed full of activities. =D Here's how it goes;

Monday : Cikgu's chalet. May be tagging along w the babes.
Tuesday: BBQ at East Coast w my SnW mates.
Wednesday: Sleep under the covers of my warm bed. / Buy food for Chalet.
Thursday: NEW YEAR CHALET W CREW!
Friday: NEW YEAR CHALET W CREW! / Raffel's brother's wedding.
Saturday: NEW YEAR CHALET W CREW!

So so packed. Aiyoyoyoyo. But its for the best. It gets my mind off things. (:

2009-12-24T11:37:00.002+08:00

Sorry for not updating the past few days. I've been sick.

I've got high fever and it kept changing. Yesterday, it was 39.8 degrees but i just checked it this morning and i've regained my normal temperature but i still feel a little tipsy.

And i didn't realise it was thursday till i checked my phone this morning. ._. Goodness. Half a week is gone just like that. Next week there's chalet. Woooohhh.

And for these past few days since i was sick, i've been dreaming different kinds of things each day but when i try to remember what it was all about, i just can't. ): Oh well.

"Humility is a strange thing. Once you think you've gained it,
you've actually lost it." - Asmin Buang

More than angry. More than monster.

2009-12-21T21:25:00.002+08:00

Am pissed.

Today's plans don't work out the way i imagined it to be.

Cause one, i couldn't prevent my inner feelings from splurting out.

And two, nana's a low-life liar who uses her status to gains her son's belief.

I'm gonna sleep this fuck feeling off.

Gdnight.

2009-12-21T16:01:00.002+08:00

I own no lover's heart.

Honestly, i've had many relationships but none of them i felt as tho i received or given love. So in a way, i've been single for the past 98654 lightyears. Not committed to anyone or anything.

No wonder i feel as light as feather. Tskk.

2009-12-21T10:53:00.001+08:00

"It’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, you keep holding on, but when you want to move on but you’re stuck right where you started. And it’s weird how feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want, and how you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start."

"The easiest way to lose something is to want it too much."

"Two of the hardest and most painful tests in life: having the patience to wait for the right moment, and mustering the courage to accept that you have waited for nothing."

[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com] <3

2009-12-21T10:45:00.003+08:00

Yesterday night, i saw Avril Lavigne on telly and was so awed on how beautiful she is now. She's all grown up now. I've been a hardcore fan of hers since i was in primary school. I think i was a tom-boyish sorta girl because of her but i definately didn't follow her punk style.

Marriage really brings your real self. But its a shame that she's alrd divorced with her husband. I've never seen her in a dress up until now. But i've always been jealous of her complexion. She has super fair and flawless skin. And such a sharp nose. Oh god. And eventho her songs are emo in some sense, it has very good meanings. (:

Anyhooooos, in a few hours, my beloved parents are home! (: I miss them. Shall ask them if i could work these 2 weeks.

2009-12-21T10:35:00.002+08:00

Believe it or not. I didn't even sleep this whole day (:

Because i slept for 16 hours straight yesterday. Hahaha. Rabak eh?! Its just a way to regain back my precious lost hours of sleep because of my attachment. Now that i've got my holidays, i shall make it to good use and stay at home and catch up on my sleep.

And i ton-ned the whole night with my darling crew. It was Haizad's birthday today so we celebrated it the whole night. I was the first to wish him at 12.00 because i was with him at that point in time.

And i have a sudden interest in Korean boys. They are ubbbeeerr hot! And their dress sense is super cool. Yummmeeehh. Eh wait, i don't think i had a sudden interest, i think i've been liking them since i saw KimBum on BoysOverFlowers. ._.

Lovelove.

2009-12-19T00:11:00.002+08:00

Can i go for plastic surgery?

Its frusfrating when your grades are affected cause you look like how you are.

I'm not saying i've got physical scars but what exactly are you supposed to do if your face is seems to look arrogant when you're not?

When i smile more, its concluded that the smile is fake.

When i mix around, i'm buying my way out.

When i talk less, i'm not paying attention.

When i look away because i'm trying to think of an answer, i'm rude.

WTH,WTF. What the what the what theee!

Its alrd in my nature to not talk much when i'm among a large group of people. Its in my nature to always hang back when people are so kiasu to see something others are showing. I mind my own business easy said. But that seems to be the wrong approach now.

You asked me what am i going to do about it. I asked you, what should i do to prevent it. You asked me to think for myself. I said i was clueless. And there you go, saying to stop being rude to you when all i did was to speak my views.

Come on, i wasn't rude. Just accept the fact that you were as clueless as i am at that point of time.

Fxck.

..Maybe its time i changed course.

2009-12-19T00:05:00.002+08:00

CONGRATS TO THOSE WHO MADE IT TO SEC 5. (:

Jia You for O's okayyy?

"Without faith, nothing seems possible. With faith, nothing is impossible." - Unknown.

2009-12-18T23:57:00.003+08:00

"I don’t think people are meant to be by themselves. That’s why if you actually
find someone you care about, it’s important to let go of the little things, even
if you can’t let go all the way. Because nothing sucks more then feeling all
alone, no matter how many people are around you."
— Scrubs

But bad habits die hard. I'mma perfectionist eventho i know so well people can't be perfect no matter how hard they try. It takes tremendous effort to let go. Acceptance that things don't go my way is one thing, acceptance that things can't be close to perfect is another thing all together.

Can i please get rid of this part of me? ):

2009-12-18T23:27:00.002+08:00

My last day of attachment is tomorrow instead of today like most of you guys. Thats super sucky seh. Oh gooodd.

But i had a nice nap just now. (: It made my agitatedness go away. I met Nazir and his girlf near my place. Just to tie up lose ends between us. Its hard to make another girl believe that your friendship with her boyf is a perfectly honest one, no hidden relationships whatever. For one, like how i strongly believe in sex after marriage, i'd never ever stoop so low to grasp another's boyf.

Yes, i understand, in your eyes, your boyf is the person almost close to perfect. But the way you view him physically/mentally may differ from others so please don't ever think its similar cause facts are facts.

I've got my own taste in guys and so do you girls out there. We're not all the same eventho some guys say we are. And trust me darlings, i do agree with my other guyfs that i have expectations too high. When it comes to boys and relationships, i'm a nut case and am someone hard to please so no worries, i'd never be that girl to steal your precious little boyf from you. (:

I feel like sleeping again. I IS PIG.

" And then i felt sad because i realized that once people are broken ,in certain
ways they can't ever be fixed, and this is something nobody ever tells you when
you're young and it never fails to surprise you as you grow older and you
see the people in your life break one by one. You wonder when your turn is going
to be or if it has alrd happened. "

[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

2009-12-17T01:51:00.003+08:00

[viayourebeautiful.tumblr.com]

I want my fair skin back again! Boohoo.

I don't want to have that nice tan, as Ibrahim calls it. I don't want to be tanned.

I want that chinese fair skin i used to have. I feel like quitting my Sports And Wellness Module. Its the main cause of my disshevelled skin.

And do i even look mature for my age? Cause the way i see it, i still look like a 15 year old kid. One of my staff nurses thought i was 22 years old from the way i dressed. WTFish.

Nevermind. Just be happy so they say. I'm off to bed. I've got only 4 hours of sleep. (: Sayonara.

2009-12-17T00:49:00.004+08:00

I checked my school mail about 9876544 milliseconds ago and i received an email saying;

First off. When have i ever been late/absent from that class? Is Mr L crazy or is he crazy? Its bad enough that you're debarring my good friend Goh Jun Jie from that module but me? COME ON! I've never missed that god-damn class. Even if i did, which obviously i can't remember, i don't think it was to the point where i'd have less than 80% of attendance!

Lucky i'm going to school tomorrow. Shall confront Mr.L. Grrrrr. Make my blood boil aje.

Hrmph!

2009-12-17T00:39:00.002+08:00

Hahahahaha! Received results. Exactly what i've been expecting.

Cellular Microbiology : C
Nursing Skills Lab/Fundamentals of Nursing: A
Anatomy And Physiology : F

I know you guys would be wtFish to AAP but hey, i suck in that subject and the paper was tough. I did my best. And anw, there won't be any AAP when i reach Year 2. Yay to that! I'm waiting for Pharmcology's results then. My results are satisfying. Atleast i got an A for one. =D.

Ohmy. I am bored. It sucks when your close friends are in camp and has to get their fragile hours of sleep before they have to go for their march-in or 876509876544km run in the wee hours. Kalau tak, i'd be having my daily companion, accompanying me till my eyes get all droopy.

Nevermind. Hariz asked me to play this game in FB called Rock Riot. Shall check it out now.

2009-12-17T00:19:00.002+08:00

" I was just like any other girl out there, wondering how I would survive
without him. But guess what? I did. I underestimated my strength. I realized
that he needed me more than I did, and in the end, it was his loss. "

[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

I just got back from work. Today was super deeee duper mendak nak mams. 7 days gone. Another 3 more to go and i'm free.

I have yet to check my results for CT. Oh daammmnn. I hope i didn't fail any subjects. Its super leceh to go for the re-test. ):

And i've got morning duty today. Another 7 more hours from now. I haven't wash my uniform. I haven't packed my bags since i have to go to school later in the afternoon to bloody fix my PDA. And then later head to Taka to meet my friends. Procrastinate afa Procrastinate.

And oooohhhh, i went for the lab visit at CGH just now and its super cool how the people, wearing white lab coats, running here and there doing various tests on your blood samples, stools or urine. All the gadgets lighting up with a touch of your finger. That wheering noise the machines seem to make as tho they are also busy digesting the work. I WANT TO BE THAT PERSON WEARING THAT COAT! Sighs.

Alright, i'mma go check my results now. Lovelove.

2009-12-14T23:17:00.002+08:00

We talked for 15 minutes (: A record.

Z: You, i nak sleep can?
A: Alaaaaaaahh, selalu gini. Sikit-sikit nak sleep, kite talk la lama-lama sikit.
Z: Alah, i taknak talk lama-lama, later you muak with me how?
A: Aiya, shuddup you ass and just talk to me la. Think so much.

And imagine, he's talking to me, after wearing the facial masks specially for eyebags. So cute. Haha.

And please please don't turn gay my dear. Its gonna be such a waste.

Lalalalala, i'm bored.

2009-12-14T22:03:00.003+08:00

[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

5 minutes talk with Zulqifli Azmi. Come quick-quick please. I'm bored. And missing him.

Anyways, i slept after work today. I was damn tired cause i survived half the day with only an hour of sleep. I had this bad stomach cramps this morning and couldn't sleep. But today's work was fun. I guess cause i talked alot more with Syafiq and Im.

Am supposed to meet Raffel but then i decided to just not go. I was exhausted really. To the point where i slept in the bus, not caring if i looked horrendous or not.

"I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms
around her and sleep. Not fuck, like in those movies. Not even have sex.
Just
sleep together, in the most innocent sense of the phrase. But i lacked
the
courage and she had a boyfriend and i was gawky and she was gorgeous and
i was
hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So i walked back
to my room
and collasped on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people
were rain, i was
drizzle and she was a hurricane."

[via.youmeandtheworld.tumblr.com]

Tomorrow i'm set in the afternoon shift. Yay! I can sleep late today.
.......
..
..........
..
YESSAAAAAHHH! Finally my 5 mins call came! Its nice hearing his voice. (:

Okay lovelove.

2009-12-14T02:48:00.001+08:00

"One day I am going to find a boy who’s gonna give me his time, attention and
life fighting for what we have. One day I am going to find a boy who’s
still gonna love me even if I say I hate him a million times. One day I am going
to find a boy who’s always going to be the one picking fights with me and then
says sorry when he can’t handles it. One day I am going to find a boy who’s
gonna relentlessly search for that one reason to fight for me even if there’s a
hundred and one reasons staring right up at him to leave."

When that one day comes, i know i'm gonna be the most happiest bitch alive. (:

2009-12-14T02:37:00.002+08:00

[via youmeandtheworld.tumblr.com]

A friend told me this;

"What's the point fighting for something when it was never meant to be? Cause i
can't always be the only one fighting for this afa. I'm tired. So tired. This
isn't a relationship, this is war. And i'm at the losing end. I always have
been. I was just too busy fighting to notice it."

- A girl, who broke up with her boyf of 6 years.

2009-12-14T01:09:00.003+08:00

I just got back from accompanying raffel for his late lunch and then to his takraw session. This guy^^ is super weird. And his laugh is like a hyenaaa. Serious shit but he's fun to be around with. With him, you never have to worry about your food cause he'd make sure you eat and eat and eat and grow like a fat pig.

And from 6 all the way till 12 mid, i spent time, argueing w him of the most trivial matters, mostly about girls. since he's a charming man who can get girls on the flick of his finger.

Anyhos. Zulqifli called again! Yay! I'm always looking forward to our 5 minutes talk eventho Raffel says he ain't that good looking. Raffel thinks Ibrahim (Im) looks better.

Im! This boy who's my collegue who loves going clubbing! Hahaha, but very very cheeky.

Oh well, sleep has yet to take me down under. So i guess i shall play GuitarGeek till my eyes droop. (:

Lovelove.

2009-12-12T22:43:00.005+08:00

Am listening to Jay Sean - Down right now. I've been watching his official music video for the upteenth time now cause i have this fetish for sharp noses and a smokin' hot body.

Tho Jay Sean reminds me of Saiful, my ex.

There's a few similarites betul tak betul? Sighs. And i just remembered Saiful had this really really nice body. Don't ask why i broke up w him. I can't seem to remember that part well.

And i just talked to Zulqifli Azmi on the phone 30seconds ago. He asked questions i can't afford to answer.

Never ever expect anything from boys because if you do, even the
slightest hope can cut deep like a chainsaw. I am afraid. And vulnerable. Especially to boys who are good-looking/charming/has many many pretty girlfriends.

2009-12-12T16:24:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you just need to realize that you can't have it all and you can't fix
every mistake you made. You need to move on and try to be happy, even if it's
the hardest thing you'll ever do.

[via runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

Am listening to 2NE1 - I don't care. This korean band .
And before that, i was listening to The Most Dangerous Commercials - Circa Survive

Now i have this splitting headache. The kids are complaining to me about Grandmother and her naggings. They are pleading me to follow them go swimming tomorrow.

And the kids are asking me for money. I'm broke and feeling guilty. Damn the school for having this policy of not giving pay when attachment is less than 3 weeks.

2009-12-12T16:05:00.002+08:00

Today i am supposed to go to work to repay my first day but then, i just couldnt wake up. hahahaha. So i called the ward and called in sick. Huhu, i'd deal w the consequences later.

Why couldnt i wake up in the first place? Well, it started like this.

On thursday night, after slacking w im (Ibrahim, i'm the only one to call him that while the others call him bra which is so disgusting), Muhaimin,Syafiq and Helmi, all year two guys at Starbucks, i went to meet the rest of lepak crew at the usual place. They told me they were going fishing so since i didn't want to go home greeted by my Grandmother's nagging, i tagged along w them. We took the last 29 bus to Changi, lay down a few mats, set up the fishing stuff and then ate to our hearts content since Apit and Aizat brought a few side dishes w them. Me and some of the boys then went to Changi Village to buy tidbits and bought Absolut Vodka Raspberry since the boys were bored and wanted to get high. Then after drinking, played cards while some of them (including me) slept since i had work a few hours later. Rizal is so sweet to lend me his body cause i told him i couldn't sleep without my bantal busuk. Hahahaha.

And then i suddenly woke up cause my bladder was groaning to go to the loo. The rest of the boys were minding their own business while i groggily put on i-don't-know whose slippers and headed to the toilet alone at Changi Village. While i was walking, i noticed a group of guys following me from behind. Aku pun chol skejap laaaaa kan. But i ignored the feeling and went into the toilet. When i got out of the toilet, i saw Fie, Apit and Rizal, sitting at the side of the longkang.

"Korang buatpe kat sini? Ade orang nk datang eh?'
"HUH? Da pukul brape ni? Bus pn takde. Kite tengah tunggu kau la."
"Err, oh, korang yang ikut aku dari balakang eh?'
"Otak kau. Biler kite realise kau tkde, kite cari kau la. Kau pikir kite ade masa ke nk ikut2 macam anjing kau?"

Swwwwweeett kan kan kan?

Anyhos, when the sun rose and i watched as the birds starting flying to search for food for their little babies, me, Is and Rizal headed back home. The boys sent me all the way to my doorstep cause they were afraid i'd get stalked again. Hahaha. Reached home and without showering, i slept for the next 4 hours.

Friday: I survived on 4 hours of sleep to an 8 hour duty call. How cool is that? After work, met Raffel and ate late dinner w him at Al-Fala since he got his pay. We shared problems and then he sent me back home. (:

I'm lucky to have such nice boys by my side. Who'd lend a shoulder when i'm upset over something, to lend their body when i couldn't sleep, to lend a hand when i fall over my own mistakes eventho nothing good comes out from their mouth. They are the kind who just can't say something nice w/o inserting a few vulgarities here and there but their actions speaks out much much louder than their dirty words.

Okay love love.

2009-12-10T11:10:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was Farah's birthday celebration.
Straight after work, that is after showering and Ibrahim. Syafiq, Helmi and Reubban each took turns knocking on the door asking me to bloody hurry up, i went all the way to Orchard.
Met the birthday girl since she was lost in ION and headed to meet Aina near her workplace.

And supposedly we were supposed to watch Couples Retreat bt then this lady came by and asked us if we wanted to watch a free movie cause she's GOT FREE TIX! And me, being the typical Singaporean, grabbed them laaaaaa. I mean, COME ON! Singapore where got free free? All must pay! So we all saved money. And the movie was quite interesting, alot of laughs here and there. I went shopping. Followed Ahmad Saifuddin to Far East Plaza after that and i saw MANY MANY NICE NICE SUPRAAAS!

Wohoo. Ahmad didn't know i loved those kind of shoes but he told me to call him if i ever wanted to buy supras w him cause he knows where to get the best deals. =D Slacked outside the Plaza and took photos.

And then Zulqifli called. Asking me to go home. )): But it was nice talking to him eventho it was only 10 mins. He wants me to fetch him from camp next week. I have yet to see how my work schedule is. Anyhos, went home at about 11. Met Zulhairi and the lepak crew near my place. Got my 35bux from Zul and went back home w the boys cause they were playing soccer at the basketball beside my block.

So there goes yesterday events. Today i'm working in the aftnn shift. So yeaaahh! I hope its not as boring.

No pictures for today. All in farah's camera. Will upload them here as soon as its available on fb kay?

Lovelove.

2009-12-08T22:26:00.005+08:00

First off.

I would like to say good luck and take care to my dearest pretty boy friend right here. Today is the start of his two year journey being a police. Do your loved ones proud aye? I know most of your girl friends would definately say it but here it goes anw; i'm gonna miss you. Not literally you tho, just your body. Hahaha. Kidding. But i hope you don't change in the process but if you do, i hope its for the better. (:

Anyways, today i went to work and yeap, Reubban was right. There were many boys in my ward, something i'm still getting used to since i'm used to seeing just the guys i know from work. My collegue is a Year Two guy called Ibrahim and i must say; he's quite good-looking. Hahaha. I'm just giving a compliment , nothing more. (:

And i was so tired when i got back home, played Guitar Geek for a few minutes then sprawled myself on the bed and slept. Awoke about 930 and called Zulqifli to see if he's done with his first day. Right now, he's having his shower and i doubt he's gonna call back. I trust me gut feeling a little too much sometimes. But its okay. He must be dead tired. (:

So i'm broke and tmrw Farah's birthday. I would like to give her my advance birthday wish. Just in case i forgot or just don't have the time to wish you tomrw. Finally 17 ay Farah? Hahaha. Good, you won't be left out anymore then. (: Happy Advance Birthday!

I think its time i took my money out or i'd die without money. And tomorrow's another day at work. Oh goodie! I'm working w Micheal, my favourite Staff Nurse. =D

"There is no person in the world who is made to handle every punch
that's thrown at them. We aren't made that way. In fact, we're made to get mad,
upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. We aren't supposed to be able to handle
everything. But that's what makes us stronger in the end. By learning from the
things that hurt us most. "

It couldn't have been said better than this.

Lovelove.

2009-12-07T23:38:00.003+08:00

Today was supposedly the day i went for attachment but no. Why?

One; i slacked till 2. Reached home about 215, that too cause Zul sent me home w his bike.

Two: I suddenly got this huge migraine and flu when i woke up 4 hrs later.

But i got better soon afterwards. Cooked for the kids since i was home. And i didn't even went out the whole day of today. YAY to me. (:

Haizad and dudes are getting high in some random club i suppose. So no slacking tonight.

And i heard that my attachment has many dudes working. I don't know why. I thought its just gonna be the guys i knew but Reubban told me otherwise.

And i miss Syed Hussein Alkadri. In other words; i miss skating. [Handsome kan budak Arab ni?! If only he really had blue eyes ); ]

"You'd see. One day. You'd wonder why you've never seen that kind of potential
in me. One day. I'd make sure you'd be chasing me like how a dog chases a stick.
When that one day comes, i'd be laughing at you and showing it in your face what
kind of guy you truly are. Who chases beauty when it has always been the heart
that matters most. "

Boy, you won't even know its you i'm talking about. Lovelove.

2009-12-06T14:03:00.007+08:00

ILOVELIMBU <<3

Like i said yesterday, i woke up at 5 right? Went out at 8. Got reprimanded cause i had a hungover. My brain felt like it was gonna explode anytime soon but it subsided soon enough.

Played the poker cards Aizat brought along w him. Slacked w the guys till 5 this morning. And around 2am, they played 24 and i kept losing cause my brain was seriously shut down.

Today, nenek's out cause she went to some majlis perkahwinan. I cooked for the kids Mi Bandung. Might be going out later to meet Syed Hussein Alkadri. The weather seems nice to skate today. =D

Tomorrow's attachment. ): And i want to check if my pay for previous attachment is alrd in the bank. I need to pay my bills. I miss Abi and Ummi. Nothing less. Cause i'd like someone imperfectly perfect. ((:

Boys = Hidden Lies

2009-12-05T18:10:00.004+08:00

He is beautiful, new, unexplored. He has wanted to kiss her ever since they met one week ago and fell prey to helpless chemistry.

“Don’t,” she says, moving her hands in a subconscious “yes” pattern along his arm as he rubs his cheek against hers.

“You don’t even know my favourite colour.” The wind cuts through her thin jacket, and his chest is so warm.“Red,” he guesses, improbably correct. His ears are cold.

“And how many dogs do I have?”“Two,” he says, and she laughs wildly at his luck as he nuzzles her neck.

“I’m trying to save you,” she tells him, pushing fruitlessly against his broad shoulders. “So you don’t wake up tomorrow and regret this.” He smiles, cupping the back of her head and pulling her to him so their lips brush.“Maybe I don’t want to be saved.”

—-The sun shines the next morning in an artificially happy way; the gravel is especially sharp against her bare feet. Bewildered but happy, she stands on her tiptoes to hug him goodbye.

“If I ever see you again, I-“ he stops her with a kiss.“When you see me again. ‘When,’ not ‘if.’”The next day as she spills a bottle of peppermint syrup down her apron at the local coffee shop, he shows up and orders a large latte and a kiss.

—-It took one month before they began to officially date, and a couple more after that before he whispered “I love you.

”But in retrospect, it had only taken an hour with him to know that he would change her life forever.—-“Why don’t you write anymore?” he asks from the loft above her. She petulantly puts down her pen and sighs.“I can’t think of anything to say. I have no words left.”

He slits open his eyes and quirks his mouth. “You stopped writing when you met me.”She neither confirms nor denies the statement. She instead clambers up next to him and tugs on his foot thoughtfully.

“I’ll start writing again.” A grin spreads across her face. “Will you still think well on me? When I’m a famous author and all?”

She tosses her hair around, and he grabs her hands in his and pulls her down so she topples over on him.“Well, I’ll be married to you, so I think that’s a yes.”He releases her and throws himself backwards on the pillow. She cuts off the overhead light and smiles at the ceiling, listening to the bedroom noises long after his breathing becomes deep and regular.

—-“You deserve better,” he tells her. “I’m nothing. I’m worthless. You deserve someone…perfect.”
“I don’t want perfect, I just want you.”

—-The frequent fights have begun to take their toll.The most recent left her almost as breathless as the makeup sex. Both were frantic, driven by anger, and painful. She lies quietly next to him, one hand resting lightly on his ribs, and makes no sudden movements.

She can’t afford to scare him away after fighting so hard to keep him.“I’ve started smoking pot again,” he whispers into the silence of the room. She cannot respond to this, and so she says nothing.

What he does not have to say: I am weak.
What she does not have to respond: I know.

—-She can’t keep herself from kissing him, can almost talk herself into believing that because he is unhooking her bra this will all turn out ok. She will live happily ever after.

Their hands fumble, quick and practiced, but it feels wrong this time.“Are you sure we should be doing this?” she asks, running her lips along his jaw. “Are you going to stay with me? Am I going to stay with you?”“Does it matter right now?” he asks, his palms sliding almost lovingly against the curves of her waist.

Afterwards as he pulls on a pair of boxers, she becomes starkly aware, for the first time, of her nudity, her vulnerability. “We shouldn’t have done that,” he says, shaking his head.

Then—“I think we should take a break.”So it did matter, she realizes, watching the grey evening light slip through the venetian blinds and over her naked body. It mattered more than anything.

—-The Saturday seems like every other Saturday they’ve spent together over the past 14 months, except he is curled in a chair, futilely avoiding the elephant in the room, and she has welcomed it with open arms.“Look, I’m sorry,” he says forcefully. “This isn’t going to work. I need freedom. I can’t worry about some girlfriend.” His voice is thick and foreign.

She stares at his familiar face, the soft arches of his eyebrows, the strong jaw. It is melting into something unrecognizable.

“I don’t want to end up as a piece of your writing.” He smiles wryly.
“But I know that someday you’re going to make a million dollars off of a story about how I broke your heart.”
“You promised you wouldn’t be the one to break it,” she says desperately, feeling incredibly pathetic but unable to stop stumbling towards destruction.

The rain beats against the windows, matching the steady tattoo of her heart beating against her ribcage.

“I tell lies,” he says quietly, and looks away.She looks closely at this boy she thought she knew, and begins to think that maybe, finally, he has told her the truth.

Her car keys are cutting into the palms of her hands. Her necklace is too taut against her throat. She watches her life break down like one watches a car accident, with morbid curiosity. She has looked back and been struck useless. She is a pillar of salt.

“I think you’ll regret doing this,” she says, and forces her body to take one step towards the door.
“Probably.”
“Then why are you doing it?”
“Because I don’t regret it right now.”

—-Someday she will meet an amazing boy, beautiful, new, and unexplored. He will kiss her neck and hold her hand in public, know that her new favourite colour is green, and that she only has one dog now. He will love her.She puts pen to paper—

(via estallidos) [via.fuckyeahhlove.tumblr.com]

___I felt the way she felt exactly 24mths ago. And that feeling still exists up till now.

2009-12-05T17:55:00.003+08:00

Yesterdaaayy was a super epic day. After our last paper, Marie and Thuthu were blindfolded all the way from school to Marina where we ate seoul garden. And then we headed to Haji Lane and sheesha-ed. Bought Shivas. Went to a few blogshops, fell in love and then headed to JJ house for the rest of the guys to indulge in that hard liqour.

And today i was supposed to be out at 645 but ended up waking at 645. I'm sorry guys for not supporting you. My hangover is super bad. And then i slept again until 5 this afternoon. That too because Aizat called up to ask me to lepak w them.

I seriously didn't know it was 5 till Aizat started shouting asking me if i had been drinking or not yesterday. Goodness, my head's killing me. I think i'm gonna get a huge smackdown later when i go slack. The boys don't like it if i do anything to bring myself back to the old me. ):

"Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.
“
—
Stephanie Meyer [viarunawaytrain.tumblr.com]

2009-12-03T02:26:00.002+08:00

I'm not sleepy eventho i have to wake up at 5 later to go school for CT.

And i suddenly want to go jogging but i scared got hantu ):

This is all due to the fact that the boys were talking about ghosts in my area just now. Now i'm a coward to even go down to buy drinks and snacks for my pampered tummy.

How how how?!

Then now no one entertaining me. ): Wah hidup so gerek seh like this.

Idk why i get easily agitated when you don't seem to entertain me or text me off your own accord. I think its cause i'm too used to boys giving me their upmost attention when i need it and you not doing so is someth new for me. I like you. Yes i do but for all the wrong reasons. I like you cause you're a boy with a challenge and i love challenges. But i don't get why i don't have that motivation to tackle you down under like how i usually do instead, everytime you diss me off for someth i feel is less important, i just feel like giving up. Maybe cause i know there would always be that one girl who'd always exist in your heart? What the fuck is this feeling? It feels sucky, most definately. Boy, i've never even met you but you're the only one who makes me feel so (insert appropriate adjective here). Cause i think i can't get through you. ):

Good mrning

2009-12-03T01:00:00.002+08:00

I got home at 1145 pm today. After getting bullied by my guyfs for like half the day. ):

I was supposed to meet Syed Hussein Alkadri today because i wanted to skate but the weather just had to turn sour and sooo i couldn't skate nor get to meet this Ein. Boohoo. I was really looking forward to skating tawuk. Grrr.

Anyways, accompanied Haizad, Farid, Fie and Faiz to Downtown cause they wanted to survey the chalets there for their upcoming NewYear parrtaayy. And all the way, i got bullied and pushed around. Ewah, mentang-mentang aku ni sorang perempuan, ade-ade je tau budak empat ekor ni bully aku. Hmph.

After that, went to takraw court cause the rest of the boys were there playing their favourite game; takraw laaa. I didn't really watch them play, i was busy talking to my bestfriend's girlf. And then accompanied Haizad at the work-out area to work on my abs and him on his body. My guyfs are so great in pushing me make my body eventho they don't get why i'm working out in the first place.

Haizad: 'Kau nak work out buatpe? Badan kau okay pe. Da la tinggi, kurus plak tu. Tapi tk macam gala la.'
Me: 'Alaahhh, aku nk ade shape. Aku nak abs. Kau kn tau aku gile-gile kn abs.' *tunjuk muke sedih*
Fie: ' Kau buta ke ape? Kau da ade shape laaa bodoh. ish pompan ni, degil sgt tknk dgr kata aku.'
Me: ' Aku mmg degil naturally. Whatever it is, tolong aku buat badan kay? kay best. Sayang korang'

Slacked w a whole bunch of gundus till 11 plus. And Ami Daniel was there! The justin bieber look-alike except Ami's more irritating and more taller. And he has a nice boddyy! Macam nak bite seh.

Okay. I'm supposed to study on CMbio but here i am. Hahahahaha.
Lovelove.

Boys, learn this. Learn this well.

2009-12-02T00:06:00.002+08:00

"The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides. "
— Audrey Hepburn [via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

This is how every girl wants to be looked at. Being with her not because of her outer appearances but to acknowledge the fact that she's someone with feelings and not some doll you can just drool over for sometime and then throw away.

I love having guyfs who genuinely care for you cause then you don't even miss being in a relationship. (:

2009-12-01T23:40:00.004+08:00

credits: irfaanphotography.blogspot.com [ i'm sure you don't mind right epaan? =D]

Oh my plans changed abruptly today. Planned to meet my friends at my place cause i had nothing better and they're always the ones i can count on to keep my hippy happy dandy.

But since i played soccer just now and was just about to go home, the guys told me there was polympics on street soccer today and asked me to support them. So i did, and lord behold, who would turn up to play in the tournament but my ex-boyf; Muhammad Asyaffri.

Oh the atmosphere just turned ice cold when i walked past him. I didn't know what my mistake was since i very well know what happened between us was definately not my fault but well, boys and their ego. Anyhos, i sat at the same exact place under that hot hot sun for 3 hrs watching and cheering on Group Lepak. Hahaha.

And i heard from my friends that this ex-boyf shouted vulgarities at me when i was outside the court talking to my other schoolmates. Tsk, anything to make him feel better and let his ego swell.

Anyways, after such a long day and cheering on the teams, i went back home with Aqmal and we talked about gangsters and the way they rule their place. Now Aqmal and me share a secret and only i know it! Wahh, i'm so honored. Hahahaha. And i know you don't read my blog Aqmal but thank you for accompanying me take the train home when the rest of your friends were going to take the bus. Kau kawan baik. =D

And thank you for opening yourself up to me even when this was the first few times we talked. And LADIES FROM NURSING!, THIS AQMAL I'M TALKING ABOUT IS THE BESTEST BESTEST FRIEND OF SYAFIQ ( THE GUY WHO THINKS HE CAN GET ANY GIRL )! YES, BE SHOCKED CAUSE I WAS TOO! 0.o

So thats it for today, met my guyfs playing takraw near my area, slacked for a while and home sweeeet home.

And i made friends with a spanish mixed guy! Wah i melt! But i think he's gay. Hahahaha. =x

2009-12-01T10:12:00.003+08:00

i'm typing this right after pharmco. And i think i screwed it. ): boohoooo. And right nw, i'm not sure if my plans for today are confirmed or not. Hmm.

"when you've faced dissapointment each time from different kinds of people every other day, there will always be that one day, you expect nothing anymore."

Thats what you get from trusting too much in too many boys.

Good day.

2009-12-01T01:20:00.002+08:00

I miss Abi and Ummi. ):

Someone please bring me out and treat me shopping. Let me drown in my own sorrow.

I need some kind of adrelenine rush in me. I need to do someth to not feel like what i'm feeling now.

I need someth to take my breath away.

Cause no one, is as lucky as i.

2009-12-01T01:01:00.005+08:00

FON was easy if you studied the right topics and i did. So there's a chance i won't screw this one. (:

And boys give the most number of bullshit in my life. Them and their lame excuses. I don't get why do they have to lie so much. Do i look like i'm 7 years old to you and i can't seem to differenciate between the truth and a lie? I may be as blur as a squid sometimes but don't you ever take me as a naive person. I may let you step on my head sometimes, allow you to be rude to me when i never was to you but don't you dare take it to your stride cause i may just spit back the whole load of bullshit you gave me to you and trust me, it won't be pretty. And never , ever you blame me for my sudden outburst.

I really abhore showing my angry, monsterous side to people but sometimes, they just had it coming. I'm not a really nice person to be with when i start getting angry/agitated/irritated, its something that's been proven time and time again.

But at the end of the day, you just gotta be patient w these people right. Cause some people just don't know when to stop. Stop being so childish and immature.

We should always say what we mean, mean what we say, and make sure no words are left unspoken. Because that’s how so many hearts are broken.

[via.runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

That was my mistake. And i'm still paying for it.

Iloveyou.Karma. ._.

2009-11-29T20:47:00.002+08:00

I’m not always as confident as I seem. There are many nights and many days when all I want is to be held. I love being held. Always. Sometimes I don’t want to talk about what is bothering me.. sometimes I just want a hug.. Someone who will let me cry. I like when boys cry in front of me — when people aren’t afraid to show what they’re really feeling. I don’t like when people run from their true feelings because it doesn’t do anyone any good. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am not naive. I know what it feels like to be completely broken and I am all too familiar with what it means to be hurt. I know what it’s like to see something funny and not laugh. I’ve been taken advantage of, used, and abused. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust in people has not diminished. To be completely honest, I hope it never does. Ever.
[via runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

2009-11-29T20:38:00.003+08:00

Common Test Week starts tomorrow and i have yet to revise. How greaaat. Oh well.

Anyway, may i ask, why are the super good-looking guys always going to their own kind? Why why why? It makes me wonder, really. I had asked the opinion of my guy friend and he said;

'Well, for one, the guys doesn't treat us like crap like how most girls do."

Okay fine, i got to agree on that. Most girls just don't appreaciate the boys they have till it slips away. But still. Its saddening to see that the world really is coming to an end ):

I think i'm stressed up thats why i'm spewing crap. I want to skate. My deck's at Bukit Batok. Trucks, bearings, wheels; at pasir ris. Wah gerek pe hidup.

And dengar-dengar, aku suka pe kene panggil gundu ngan bengap. Babi. _)(*&^%$#

2009-11-27T02:28:00.002+08:00

Qn: The most brittle thing in the world?

Ans: Beating hearts.

I'm thinking of doing a physical experiment on myself and the only person i've discussed it with is with my ex-boyf; Tariq Irfaan Bin Osman. Due to the fact that he knows me well enough to know why i'm doing all this.

I would love to share the details of this 'experiment' but i think its safe to talk about it once i've seen progress. (:

And since i'm broke this coming month, might as well i catch the twilight saga:new moon online. So yeah, i'm watching it now. Goodnight.

2009-11-27T02:17:00.003+08:00

Almost a week has passed and i'm slowly learning how to split my precious time into more bits and pieces.

You managing 3 kids and a granny who just oversees the things you do. Its like being a single mother. Its tough. Damn tough especially when the kids are the kind who craves for your attention and aren't used to having a granny around. I think i have never been early for school for the past few days and even if i do, i'd sleep during lectures. I'm physically and mentally shagged. I gotta prepare breakfast and lunch for the kids before they wake up. And after school, go back home, clean the house which is most prbbly a wreck and see that they did their homework and what shit. And god this is only the first week. I don't knw how i'm gonna survive for the next few weeks esp when CT week is coming.

Tho i have to thank my friends for the support they gave me. Thank you to the guys who came by when i was in school just to check if the kids are doing okay and helping out when needed. (:

And oooohhhh, i'm finally managing skating now. I know most of you are like WTFARK?! hahaha, relax, i can only zoom around on it, i don't do tricks. Hahaha.

So here's my wish list.

Buy acoustic guitar and learn how to play it
Get dc/nike shoes or any skate shoes would do (i've been wanting this since forever!)
Ask someone for a spare deck. ._.
Having a holga would be nice don't you think? Hahahaha

Christmas is coming isn't it? Well, who's my red nose santa then? I know TRQ is one of them. Hahahahaha.

Alrighty then, love love.

Love love. Eternal Love.

2009-11-21T22:34:00.002+08:00

21st November 2009.

The day both my heart and soul left for the middle east. The day the people i would die for left for Saudi. The day the two people who would always be there for me when no one else was left to make their pilgramage. The day my parents left me and my siblings for God.

I didn't cry when i sent them off. I didn't cry when they hugged me tight and asking me to take care of the kids. I didn't cry when i returned back home and feeling the house so empty. I cried when i read the letter Abi gave me before he went away. Cause that feeling of knowing they are really gone sets in. The feeling that maybe just maybe, they will never return. Here are snippets of my dearest father's letter to me.

'To my beautiful daughter; Nur Mua'fah Nabilah Asmin

Perhaps, it is hard for you to believe but when you were born more than seventeen years ago, it was the proudest moment of my life. While whispering the adzan and iqoman into your ears - just like most first-time fathers, i dreamt that this child of mine will grow up to be strong, upright and shall be the beacon of light for her younger siblings. Today........that dream and hope is as strong as before. Abi has never stop hoping and believing in you..'

'When you were growing up, Abi proudly noticed how independent you are. You hardly asked for assistance on most physical activities and you will roam alone in places where kids your age will not dare go. As you grow older, this independence and confidence in yourself also grows. Here lies the danger.... in strength lurks weakness. This, my dear daughter, is my fear for you.'

'It is human - when we are young and strong, we act with brashness, we feel nothing could happen to us. It is as though we are invincible. Even IF something did happen, we believe we can overcome it without much effort within a very short time. This is a delusion, my dear. Until misfortune hits, you will not realize how cruel life can be!'

'My dear daughter, ;LIFE is all about choices and every choice has consequences. What you decide today will have a major impact on your future. Abi and Ummi will always pray for you to have a successful life in both this world and the hereafter. May you find the happiness you seek and the blessing of Allah be with you always. It is our hopes that you will be a good model and guide to your younger siblings to the righteous path. We will always love you.'

'Whatever happens to Abi, do not despair. Always remember Allah, perform your obligatory prayers and never say a harsh word to your Ummi. May Allah protect you my child..amiin.'

T.T Damn it. Bye.

My blog is dead.

2009-11-18T02:29:00.002+08:00

Its been time hasn't it? I'm so so busy with assignments. Here i am staying up late to wrap up my whole project due in 3 hours time. Huhu. Say helllooooo to the eyebags. I'm not gonna update much eventho i have loads to talk about. I just don't have the urge to blog anymore. Its sooo...energy-consuming. ):

"When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground, it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or when a picture falls off the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it’s completely silent. You would think that for something so important, it would make the loudest noise in the whole world, or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a symbol or the ringing of a bell. But it’s silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain." - Cecilia Ahem

"Every girl has that one boy, that they’ll never get over. That one guy who makes you laugh all the time. The one who gives you butterflies just when someone mentions his name. That one who remembers all the stupid things you say and reminds you about it months from now. The one who has his name written all over your heart. The one whom you compare to everyone. The one you never get sick of talking or hearing about. The one you cry over and over about. The one everyone thinks you can do better than. The one you ask why her and not me. The one when you first saw him you knew you loved him. The one that in some way ends up not being yours."

"Sometimes people play hard to get, just to see if the other person’s feelings are real." - One Tree Hill.

[via runawaytrain.tumblr.com]

So read thos three paragraphs. That probably sums out my day (: Lovelove.

I'm sorry boys.

2009-10-31T20:49:00.002+08:00

Karma is a really really bad bitch. I'm afraid to stand in her way because of all the mistakes i made to the boys in the past. When you're young and wild, you seek about everything that gives you an adreline rush and for me, the perfect antidote was relationships. And then when you grow old and you start to think using your head instead of your senses tell you to, you kind of regret doing whatever you have been doing.
But life isn't about chalkboards and erasers where you could just erase everthing thats bad in your life and keep the good but its about accepting those mistakes and using them to make you become better. I thank you boys for believing in me and trusting me to change my wild ways and see deep on how sincere your feelings are for me but i just can't accept it. Not today not tomorrow. But maybe, just maybe, in the near future.

Things happen when i get into a relationship. Its reoccured a million times. The things i did to my ex-s in the past seems to be getting thrown right back at my face and it isn't something you would like to happen to you especially when you were a sadist back then.

Call me a coward. But i rather sit on the sidelines than take it hard and fall.

Anyway, Neyo's song Mad piano cover is awesome.

Lovelove.

2009-10-25T15:55:00.004+08:00

Fucktastic song. (:

Take a drink to get your courage up.

2009-10-25T15:06:00.004+08:00

Today is so mundane! I woke up super early today and i don't even know why. I'm not an early bird thats for sure cause heck, i've been late for school 3 times in a row. And it sucks further when i get reprimanded by my lecturer for it. ):

Anyways, Reubban's openhouse yesterday was fun. I didn't know he lived in a masionnate. Is that how you spell it? Okay wtv. The actual plan was to head there at 1430 but me, always being the star karat, reached there about 1600 w jannah. Andand, Reubban has a dog that resembles an oversized fluffy grey rabbit. No kidding! Haahahahaha

Later on headed down to Bugis w two old favourite buddies from my lepak crew. I don't remember much of it except i laughed alot and Arkid bought me sunglasses and Ahcap bought me dinner.

Photos of yesterday are all w Reubban and i have no idea how to grab it from him. ):

Tomorrow i'm going to the Gym w Jai! At long last. And then maybe head down to the library w Yusrin (?)

Well, i guess thats it then. Lovelove.

2009-10-23T01:59:00.004+08:00

Its friday today! A week of school has passed and dang am i shagged. There's new subjects to learn and it doesnt help that they are so hard to master. Gosh. I don't know if i can keep up. Tho i am happy that i got Street Soccer for my Sports and Wellness programme. Yay to me for being so kanchiong and grabbing the last available slot of SS before any one beat me to it. =D

Right now, you guys must be wondering what the hell am i doing up so late. Simply, sleep has yet to take me down under. So i'm filling up my time chatting and watching videos that just crack me up.

Haiyo. I'm shagged and famished. Great. And school starts at 8 tmrw. All the best to me.

Take care lovelies.

Cast the line baby.

2009-10-13T19:39:00.003+08:00

Hello Hello.

My last week of holidays have started and so far, i have been catching up on my sleep as per usual.

And i heard my pay for that 3 weeks in hospital may come 3-4 mths later. I was like wtfaaaarrrrkkk?! Hmph. And i know my post have been getting really really boring because the thing is, i have no reason to go online now. My Friendster acct has been deleted as well as my Tagged acct. My FB is still surviving but i rarely check it out. I haven't been online for god knows how long. So yeaaaaa. I find no reason to keep such accts when everyday i meet new people. I have been going out rather alot tho. More of window-shopping cause i'm getting ready for school. =D

So i guess thats about it? I'd update as soon as i feel like it. (: Lovelove.

And i'll kiss you between the ears

2009-10-05T22:05:00.003+08:00

Time passes by and its my last week of attachment. ): I'm gonna miss my patients especially all the apeks who can't talk without having to wash you over with their saliva rain cause they aren't wearing their denches (gigi palsu). Even those abang-abang(s) who broke their legs or their spines because of some stupid motor accident.

Muka handsome buatpe kalau kene depend on orang mandikan semue, betol tak betol ? Muka semue kene buat muka tembok bila nurse muda-muda baya adik dorang mandikan. Tsktsktsk.

I'm doing awesomely great here. I've been pretty busy so i didn't have the time to go online. No pictures to tell you my day because hospital mane boleh amik gambar-gambar. Nanti kene tangkap dengan abang-abang uniform biru tawuk. (:

Anyway, i've been addicted to Owl City for the past weeks. My favourite song of the month :

Pure literature. <3

Okay thats it. I promise photos soooooooon. Reaaaaal soon. Lovelove.

Pumping fists

2009-09-18T16:46:00.004+08:00

I just checked out my results for the exams and thank god i passed and getting into second year.

Even the subject which i failed for common test got a C. Thats a 60+ okay. So i didn't scrap that paper thro.

Tho my GPA is a little dissapointing. A 2.6981 to be exact. No surprise since i got Cs and Bs for my subjects. Nevertheless, i'm grateful for my results. All i have to aim for next year is to do better and score atleast a 3 pointer. (:

I changed skin as you can see. After 987654 hours of back-aching search. ._.

Next week i'm starting my attachment while you lucky asses get to celebrate raya and get your greedy fat hands on those green packets. But i still get money from my attachment, so its not so bad.

So i guess thats about it.

Lovelove.

Show me what you're after. Just a little faster

2009-09-10T19:23:00.004+08:00

I spent half the day of yesterday with Nurazli Bin Muhammad Taufik and the other half with Muhammad Irwan Bin Hassan.

The time i spent with Az was something more of a blurry dream than something made out of reality. For one, i haven't met him since the time i was with Hakeem. And that was like what? 7 mths ago? And god, i didn't realise how much i missed him right until the time i hugged him. (: His hugs are like woooohhhhhh, dropped from heaven punyaaa. Hahahaha.

Irwan lent me his Sims 2 after seeing my super concentrated face when playing it on his VAIO lappy. Stupid humble rich kid. Eeeeek, i'm gonna get thrashed by him if he sees that line. But i'm lucky he doesn't read my blog. Wohooo. =D

Tomorrow i'm hoping i get to go out cause the girls are celebrating Raphie's birthday. And its been sometime since i last saw them. I think the last was on my birthday. On saturday is Haidzir's and TRQ EPAAN birthday. (;

And i dreamt of my ex-boyf today. Weird tho. Cause its the first time i dreamt of him. As in, when i was w him, i never dreamt of him. Hahahahaa. He must be missing me then. Fat hope tho. Cause i dreamt of that i-lick-my-own-spit guy. Hahahaha. Of all people aye.

So i guess i'm done for now. And i think i'm fat. Grrr. Time to go back to my old routine. Hrmph.

Lovelove.

2009-09-08T18:12:00.002+08:00

Boys will always be boys now do they.

Somewhat, i wish i was more attracted to someth less of a living thing that doesn't own something long sticking out half a feet below his belly button.
Groaaanns.

Life itself.

2009-09-01T21:11:00.001+08:00

Life isn't about keeping score. Its not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've dated, are dating or haven't dated at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what sport you play, or which guy or girl likes you. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to school. In fact, it's not about grades, money, clothes or tertiary schools that accept you or not. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness and compassion. It's about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about.

After a while. You learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult and not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while. You learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure.. that you really are strong and you really do have worth. And you learn and you learn... with every good-bye you learn..

2009-08-25T20:05:00.000+08:00

1 module down. 3 more to go. And 3 more days to my 17th birthday.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. I didn't really study for exams because i don't have the study-till-you-drop mood nowadays. I think cause i know i'm having my holidays real soon. Attachment is the first day of Raya which sucks hell alot cause then it'd be 3 years since i've actually genuinely raya. Grr.

I hope i really really hope i pass all my modules, even AAP. I don't want to repeat it. Its gonna be such a heavy workload next year if i ever do have to repeat.

And my blog is dyingggg. I promise i'd refurnish it soon. Its time for a makeover.

And an event happened. I thought i've passed the phase of having to knw friends who'd be willing to, bak kata pepatah melayu, 'rembat' you just because of a small issue. Man, i was dead wrong.

Oh well. You've gotta face life head on right? So, here i am.

Bye.
Lovelove.

2009-08-16T18:56:00.002+08:00

Met up with my babies on Friday. (: Its been so long.

And Zul fetched me home after that cause i asked him to. Hahahaha.

Its a study break for me now. Exams are around the corner. Tomorrow, i have revision lecture on AAP. Goodness. Maybe i should go to the gym tomorrow. ._.

Lovelove.

Mnemonic. The answer for all this deplorable breakdown

2009-08-13T21:29:00.004+08:00

I can feel the raindrops
Slowly falling
And they calling for
They keep calling for
My knight in shining armour
Come and save me
Cause I'm drowning in pain

I've been hurt
By his mistakes
So come and take me away
I put him first
I thought he'd stay
But he couldn't weather the storm
So he left me the rain

Over time, pictures fade
All that's left are these empty frames
Sleepless nights, and stormy days
I've got proof that people change
And all that's left are these empty frames
All that's left are these empty...

Can you hear these teardrops
In my pillow?
They keep falling cause
I kept falling for your dozen thorny roses
Now I'm bleeding
And I'm lonely again

Now I'm hurt
It's my mistake
I should have known right away
I put him first
I thought he'd stay
But he couldn't weather the storm
So he left me the rain

Over time, pictures fade
All that's left are these empty frames
Sleepless nights, and stormy days
I've got proof that people change
Long after the smiles all fade away
All this endless pain
All this empty space

Sleepless nights, and stormy days
I've got proof that people change
Over time, pictures fade
And all that's left are these empty frames

Wounds heal. But scars stay forever.

If i ever had to explain to you why i am this way and why i can't give you what you really deserve, its this. Falling into a deep pit again isn't an option for me. Its a barricade. My past haunts me. He, the guy i used to love so much, haunts me still. Like fog that blurs my vision. That sticks to me. That gets under my skin. That leaves me feeling breatheless. That leaves me feeling lonely and so afraid.

He's the only guy i put in effort to last long with. Maybe it was cause of the guilt-trip i had after the mistake i made and him giving me a second chance was a way to redeem myself. To prove to him how much he meant to me. 2 years. I waited for a second chance for two years. And that chance lasted barely a month. And in that two years , i wrote a dozen and more letters begging him to take me back, telling him how sorry i was but those letters never got to him. Because i was such an egoistic homosapien and that i always thought my letters were never good enough. I gave him my heart and he turned it all into dust.

And if i can't offer such a guy anyth. What else do i have to offer you? You. Who never had a girlf eventho you're 20. You. Who believes so much in chemistry until you're willing to wait for the right girl to come. You. Who's would do anyth to see me happy. I'm an empty shell filled with scars of yesteryears. I wasn't like this once. But i'm sorry that you had to find me in this state.

This is the real reason why i have never been serious in relationships. The real reason why i kept rejecting guys who could give me the world. The real reason why my heart has never been open. The real reason why i push you away everytime you try to get close.

I'm afraid haz. Afraid the affect that i'm gonna have on you if we get too close. Like a time-bomb. You seem so innocent to me. So naive. Eventho you're older than me. And being in your life. I feel as tho i'm the black dot that will engulf you if ever given the chance. I'm afraid of karma. I'm afraid you'd never get up if i ever did to you what he did to me. I'm afraid i can't control me. Can't you see? Its all me.

I'm sorry. I hate feeling this way.

Ex-boyf. If you ever read this. Then maybe now you know the affect you had on me. I don't need any of your crude comments here but i thank you for still acknowledging me as a friend. That i'm still existent in your life. (:

2009-08-08T14:55:00.002+08:00

G.I JOE WAS FREAKING FARKING AWESOME I TELL YOU!

Watch it if you like action movies and the technology in them are super mind-boggling.

Watched it with Hazreen yesterday at Vivo City. The clothes there are super nice and so are the shoes, i swear i could faint just by looking at them.

I can't talk much now cause i'm at Granny's and well, my cousins are kpos. ):

So watch J.1 JOE okay. Freaking awesome. It beats Harry Potter hands down. =D

Lovelove.

2009-07-30T16:43:00.002+08:00

I'm in the lecture theatre now and i'm not even paying an ounce of attention to whatever the lecturer is saying. (: Laptops w internet connection just tempt me so. Huhu. Anyway, projects have been piling up and i suck in group work. ): But i'm still going strong. Hazreen has been accompanying me to sch and fetching me home everytime he has his off day and whenever i'm w him, i don't have to fork out a cent. =D. He's receiving his pay soon and my birthday's coming so......... i can only guess what he's gonna get me.

Exams are coming soon. Practicals are around the corner. And projects are right up my grill. Dear god, help me get through this, especially AAP. I don't want to fail and repeat that module. ):

But i'm contented w the life i have now. No complications. Family are fine. Parents have loosen their leash quite a fair bit. I think cause i haven't been slacking much and staying at home alot more. I'm a good good kid now! And i'm happy dandy. Smile for meeee!

Less than a month to my birthday =D. I'm grinning and winking. So get the hint olrite? Naaaaahh, just joking. :P

Lovelove.

2009-07-26T21:20:00.000+08:00

Something is really wrong with blogger. Or is it my computer? Oh well.

I made chocolate fudge this afternoon as i had nothing better to do. So i dug up the kitchen and found the culinaries to bake such a cake so off i went. Its too chocolatey for me but my kid brother who's a chocoholic loved it. (:

And tomorrow, i'm being sent to school and fetched from school by Hazreen. =D. Yay!

I've got nothing else to say actually except that i'm worried for my project and that yesterday's parent-teacher meet was a disaster, as always. A mental note. I've got to speak to Mr Lim, my mentor. Grrr.

Lovelove.

2009-07-21T19:29:00.003+08:00

Today is Racial Harmony. I ate 6 different kinds of pizza and had a ball of a time. Although my morning was ruined by a particular ahbeng who couldn't come on time, all went well after that. Alena Limbu brought her DSLR camera so, here's a treat for you guys. (:

There are some photos i can't put up cause there's someth wrong with it. So i'd save them for the next post alright.

Till next post. Lovelove.

2009-07-19T16:16:00.003+08:00

Everyone needs their other half. Yet the difference in all of us is the time it takes to find them. And truthfully speaking, patience isn't one of my many strengths and the fatal flaw of mine is being a perfectionist.

I accept the fact that we homosapiens aren't perfect but i strive for perfection. Thats too cliche, its better to say that i do my best to have things close to perfect. And that includes the boys in my life. I've had various debates with every type of guy i've ever come across with when it comes to this but even after countless of tries, i just can't seem to change myself to accept things that are less perfect. Maybe, its been long embeded in me to never do things halfway instead put my heart and soul in it.

And reading AinaAmira's blog, i keep on pondering if i ever will have my own fairytale to boast about.

Setting that topic aside. 2 weeks from now, i'm sitting for my major exams and i'm quite nervous about it. And now, without any boyf trying to steal my attention, i have all the time in the world to concentrate on my studies. (: Thank goodness.

I'm happy yes i am. But not as contented as i used to be.

Take me home. I rather die than be with you.

2009-07-12T13:17:00.003+08:00

3 things i learnt yesterday night.

I can not compare all boys as tho they are all brought up the same way.
Afiq never sleeps at night instead in the afternoon. How i knw about it? I called him at 0357 in the morning and he says he just finished cooking himself a feast. ._. And Ajit jams in the whee hours of the morning.
That these two boys always wants the best for me eventho i may have hurt them countless times.

I slept around 5 in the morning to the beat of Usher-His mistakes filling up the sorely silent background. And then woke up at 7 to go to Madrasah and not feeling a tad bit sleepy. Afiq accompanied me go Madrasah just to make sure i'm fine and dandy and tho he could wait up a few minutes for me to get my report card and go, he didn't want to because apparently, he promised his friend that he'd play pool. ._. Ass.

Anyway, i'm off to Granny's house later on. I hope she cooks someth nice cause my tummy's begging for food. ): And tmrw's school! God i'm super excited! It feels just like first day of school with the exception of having friends to go to school with. >.<

And oh yes, Ajit still owes me a shopping trip in town. =D.

2009-07-11T19:34:00.003+08:00

Second post.

I should have always known that you'd stoop that low. Boys will always be boys won't they? I still remember those good ol days where you'd bombard your ex with hideous remarks and lookie here, you're back with her. Its pathetic really, that you're licking your own spit. Goodness gracious. I'm never gonna ignore the fact that i did love you. V much. But i'm a little dissapointed in myself that i could not pick a much more pathetic guy. I'm stupified really.

We're so similar in more ways than one. But i guess thats the mistake of ever being together. Being too similar. I know i could have any guy i wanted yet sometimes, i still wonder, of all people, why i picked you over them. I guess i fell for the exact same thing countless other girls fell for when they got to knw you.

Mistakes. But we have to learn from them. Once bitten, twice shy.

Okay afa. I know you suck in keeping promises but this one you gotta keep.

/edit\

The ex-boyf says i can't give happiness. Heard that boys? Its time you give up and find a better worthier girl. And please don't lick your spit. Its revolting.Really. (: Bytheway. Its nice knowing you still read my blog darling. Drop a comment sometime yeah? Lovelove.

And oh. My deepest sincere condolences to Shabana for her loss. I really hope your sister's good and healthy in the Afterlife. She's so young yet died such a tragic death.

2009-07-11T18:01:00.002+08:00

Don't underestimate me lady. I may say the most bizzare yet random things at a daily basis but i can be serious when i need to. Lets cut all these false pretence shall we? Maybe, after all this, you'd soon come to realise i can be the most cold-hearted biyatch you've ever met in your entire life.

Anyway. I won't be blogging much now since school's starting soon. Its time to concentrate on studies again. (:

Sayonara.

2009-07-08T21:30:00.003+08:00

If i were you, i wouldn't bother talking about jealousy or self-worth or any ol sort for that matter. You exclaim on how beautiful other girls are but destroy their beautiness by doing something that isn't so taboo around here anymore. And i would ask, ain't it better having a million holes on your body or indulge oneself in body art instead of giving up your very own dignity? You very well know what i mean by that.

It disgusts me when someone talks about self-worth when she herself hasn't got one to boast about. Being a tramp doesn't necessarily mean giving yourself to any homosapiens who has a dick. As long as that homosapien with that dick is superfically called 'boyfriend', yes, you're still regarded as a nympho in any dictionary this world can offer.

In any case. I believe any female who has a million percings or tattoos all over the place and never had their dignity removed are alot more beautiful even if you think they're desolating their own beauty.

Why look physically exquisite when you have alrd been used darling? Even by your own boyfriend?

Cause once you give away that dignity, regarded so highly by other women who understands what they are worth, you are nothing.

Cause lets face it, you have nothing else.

Nothing else to offer.

2009-07-06T15:57:00.003+08:00

One thing i hate most about myself is the fact that i have to choke back my anger every time some one seemingly tries to be an ass to me. Its never intentional but my anger wave is sensational that it overwhelms me to the brink of tears. Everytime some retarded ass makes me alarmingly mad until i want to just give him a good smack in the head or just yell at him till i go hoarse, i can't. I can't without feeling that thick icky ball at the back of your throat which you try so hard to swallow and tasting salt at the back of your mouth. And then your eyes get so heavy cause its filled with water which is, indistinctly called tears.

I'm not easily wavered nor pampered but yes, when i get too mad, i cry. Its something i ultimately can't control however hard i try. Maybe the feeling overwhelms me too much. Or maybe its my own way of getting all the steam out of me. Just cry.

Which explains through and through to most, as to why its just so hard to see me mad. Why everytime i'm supposed to be pissed at somebody, i'd hang back. Show that incredibly smooth blank face as tho i don't care what the ass they did to anger me. And because of all these incidental incidents, i've managed to gain total composure in most situations and get easily irritated when somebody else gets too, what singaporeans call, kiasu. Surpressing my own feelings is something i do more out of habit than anyth else. Another reason why, technically, i suck in explaining how i truly, immensely feel.

I don't think anyone can understand me when i'm mad. Its hard to find someone you can really thrust all that anguish and anger all the time and at the end of the day, that someone don't reprimand you or sulk at you just because you did it. Some say i express my feelings thro words so beautifully but try asking me personally for once, what i really feel about someth and maybe you'd see me stutter, see me trying to string my words into a perfect human sentence.

Its probably because when i write, its not my mouth speaking. Its my hands that inevitably get the instructions from my brain that works simultaneously with my mind. And sadly, my mouth is incoherent with this mind of mine.

So what i'm trying to say is.

Today.
Someone(s) made me mad.
So mad.
That i cried.
And there wasn't anyone i could wail it to.
To get the feeling of my chest.
Thus, resulting into me.
typing this lengthy post.
Which i'm sure,by this time, you all are yawning to. (:

Take care.

2009-07-03T20:04:00.003+08:00

Life's a bore.

I miss school. But there's so many projects due. And i'm super lazy to even complete them.

Now i'm even super lazy to type.

My head's a mess. I can't even think straight. Or maybe i can but i'm just super lazy to.

Yes. I need to go back to school to get my brain working again. Man, i hate jump-starting this brain of mine.

I should start baking again. It helps. Tremendously.

So why can't you see?

2009-07-02T17:26:00.004+08:00

I steal hearts and destroy it.

Is it still okay to you this time round?

Its a habit. And i'm sorry you can't change that.

Yes. I suck in commitments and relationships. 23 guys can bet on that.

Its never my insecurities. But i ain't ready. For all this.

Sorry boy.

2009-07-01T21:11:00.003+08:00

If wishes do really come true. Without you having to work hard for it. When it just happens just cause it works like that. Wouldnt that be great? Wouldn't that be just fuckatastic?

Wouldn't the world be like heaven? Wouldn't that be great just living here? Cause there's nothing to worry. Cause all you gotta do is wish. Wish everth away.

If i could wish anyth.

I'd wish that i could be smarter.
I'd wish i'd be a lot more optimistic.
I'd wish my parents are a little less fierce
I'd wish my siblings are a lot less nosy.
I'd wish the ozone layer's a lot more thicker
I'd wish Singapore would have a season where it snows.

And i'd wish everyone else in this world becomes alot more prettier.
So there'd be no one grudging on the other. No one discriminating another. Where everyone's happy with the way they look, the way they are.

Hmm, maybe not that.
Maybe, i'd wish the destruction of the feeling called jealousy or being the best.
Yes thats it. Then everybody would be happy. Cause no one cares. No one fucking care how the fuck you look on the outside.

And i won't wish for World Peace. Thats bullshit. If there ain't any conflicts in this world, it'd be a totally boring place to live in. Everyone would be the same as everybody else. There's no individuality. No originality. Just a world where everyone can't wait to die. To see what lies beyond the world that we know of as it is.

I'm delusioning. Sorry if you don't get what i've been trying to imply. Alot of things have been going thro my mind lately. Those. Not-so Optimistic Ones.

2009-06-28T21:03:00.003+08:00

listening to: Fantasy - My American Heart

The one thing that lifts me up was hearing my Dad complimenting me. For the first time in forever. When i told him of my dreams, of helping humanity and getting to feel the satisfaction of it, he said :-

" I'm sure you can do it Afa. I know nothing can stop you it getting what you really want. On the outside, there may be nothing that resembles me in you but what you have in you is nothing your other siblings have, my strong-willed spirit. "

My dad went through alot to get to where he is now. He's everyth in my family. The breadwinner, the husband, the father, the mother, the cook, the maid. He can be anyth you can imagine him to be. He's the jack of all trades and sometimes, that awes me the most about him. Most of the time, he can be such a pain in my ass and his painful words can cut me deeply but whenever we bond, its like nothing of those things ever happened.

Mum says when i was young, he kept calling me his little princess. I'm too big to be called that by him now but i know deep inside, he still treats me likes one. Thats why its hard for him to let me go. To have the life every teen seems to be having now. (:

Anyhos, i cooked Curry Crab today. A treat for the family. Hahaha. Its been time since i spent time with the family.

2009-06-26T18:31:00.005+08:00

listening to: Be With You - Akon

Dear God am i laughing hard.

I never imagined you for a coward. Never thought about it. Not once, not ever.

And to think i had once thought highly of you. Not only do you have a sky rocketing ego and such low self-esteem, you just had to put that cherry on top by being such a wuss. A self-absorbed pussy, thats what you are. And a tall one at that. Hahaha.

That little respect i had for you just vanished when i realise you've deleted me from your life. Are you that pathetic? Vanishing yourself into thin air? Did you think you could ever run away from the past? Goodness. And i vaguely remember you saying this:-

" Its best for both of us. Who knows, we'd be closer in the future. "

Pishposh go and fuck a dog.

Ignore my repulsive language ( its not as if he reads my blog but if he does, well, good for him. ) but god are you contradicting. Oh well. I've never regretted knowing you tho. You're a very special person, yes you are. Cause its the first time i've met someone who has all the qualities i abhore in a guy. Thank you for finally showing your true colours to me. (:

Boy, didn't i tell you i pick myself up fast? I was over you even before that night ended.

Side-tracking. Shall i spoil the Transformers II story for you guys? Hahaha. I guess not. Do watch it. Its nice. Megan Fox is extremely hot this time round ( maybe cause she has a bike as transport in this movie ). =D

NEXT WEEEEKK HOLIDAAAYYYYSSS!! HAHAHAHAHAHA. C:

2009-06-24T17:09:00.004+08:00

listening to: Hush Hush - PussyCat Dolls.

Watching Boys Over Flower can really raise your spirits high above the sky. Andd ohh, especially Kim Bum playing as Yi Jung Sanbae. Sighs. I melt just looking at him smile. =D

Ain't he gorgeous. Sighs. The only one who can match a little like him is Ami Daniel. And my lucky stars that Ami ain't an actor/model who'd forever stay in my fantasy. =D

Anyhos, i'm catching Transformers II later. Wohoo. I'd spoil the story for you guys later yeah? Hahaha.

One of the many pictures i took during Class BBQ.

Take care yall.

Letting it go.

2009-06-21T19:26:00.004+08:00

A week has passed and a series of unfortunate events have occured. I would not want to elaborate on these things but a few of them have really given me an eye opener in certain espects of life.

Thank you Alena for cheering me up eventho it was barely only 3 minutes. Ina for hearing me sob and whine at 2 in the morning. Laila for accompanying me at home since my whole family was gone on a holiday. Afiq and Crew for coming down at such short notice from Kallang just to see if i'm okay. Ex-boyfs for telling me i'm as good as any other. Online friends for all those touching words.

I watched The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button just now. Its a really sad story. You should watch it. And i cleaned up the house before family came home. Gosh. Thank you Mummy for making me laugh. I know you hate me being this way.

I keep on wondering if you was even feeling me
I keep on wondering if this was even meant to be
I keep on wondering if everything you said was true
I keep on wondering if you were really coming through

I try my best but I can't shake this thing you got me going through
All i can picture is the color of your eyes
And the way you make me smile
I ain't felt this in a while.
But I came to a conclusion that this is pure illusion
Chaos and confusion but I'm not gonna let it ruin me.

You.You.You

2009-06-16T19:00:00.002+08:00

I feel like picking a fight with you.

Maybe you are what you say you are. I don't know anymore.

Its so hard to try and trust you when you act as tho you don't have me.

Your words just don't reassure me like they do cause you contradict every one of them.

And it just scares the living daylights out of me, knowing i'm one step closer to losing you.

Kudos. Boy, are you brilliant.

Why should i ever feel jealous when i know you don't even feel sorry for doing those things? Why should i ever feel hurt? Why are you unbelievably doing this shit to me?

Why.Should.I.Even.Care.? When i know you don't?

And at the end of the day. You will never ever know what are the things you do that made me hurt the most.

I'm a sickly pathetic wimsy for falling so hard for you and being so helpless about it. And a bitch for having to hate doing it.

2009-06-16T17:51:00.003+08:00

2 days of attachment and so many things i can talk about. But it was an experience i can never forget. Indefinately, all those old people seem so cute with all their antics. Hahaha. I had fun. And made friends with the ITE batch of students who were in attached to the same place as me. =D

And yesterday night was my pit with my former school mates. Chatted here and there. Sadly, aepul all couldn't make it. Oh well, atleast i met my super irritating good friend Maisul BMK and Aqmal. Photos were taken alot..mostly pictures of me cause i was always holding the camera. Heh. And we played stupid games. Bumped into Rais and crew on the way home and they invited me to another pit tomorrow night. I told him i'd consider eventho he tried to make my mind up by informing me Ina would be coming. Pfft.

And you people would never ever see me in my full uniform cause i've free rides from Has everyday during attachment. Nyahahaha. Tomorrow 100+ students would all be posted to HPB so i get to meet my cina gangster and Nepalist friend. Weeee! Hahaha.

And i'm waiting for my friend to send me all those vainpot photos of me and the pit of course. But he's rarely online! Aiyoooo ...

I have this great feeling bby won't be able to meet me this coming thursday. Why? Cause he has training the day before and everyone knows how lethargic he can be the next daaaayyy. Pfft. Da lah bbl skejap kat telepon ngan aku. Ade saje tau yang crop up. Nak mandi lah, nak makan lah, nak siap-siap pergi rumah kakak tengok bby lah. Camneeeeeeee lah aku tk mengamok. )(*&^!@%*(*)^#$%@#$#^^*&&%%

Adios Amigos.Afi boleh pergi mampos. WAAAAHHH. BLH RHYME LAAHH! Huhuhuhu. Jk. =D

The insecurities came from you.

2009-06-14T17:44:00.006+08:00

Have any of you realised that the moon was red yesterday night? I can't manage to get a picture of it cause i was on my way home from JB and Daddy was driving the car at 110km/hr. It was full and red. And awesooooomeeeeee. C:

I spent the whole day of yesterday at JB cause my cousin was getting married. And the other half of the day was done shopping at Tesco Pelentong with Mummy dearest. Pictures aren't much except babies. =D I have a huge fetish for them didn't you know? Especially those montel ones. But i prefer baby boys. I find them extremely cute. Hahaha.

I'm supposed to go shopping again with Mummy today but i got up late. And well, she decided to have her own time at Bugis Street. Probably eyeing handbags to add on to her collection. Geez. So i'm home, dreading tomorrow.

I'm sorry bby if i haven't been spending time with you much. Or talk fo long hours on the phone. Its been 4 days since we've last met. Don't think i'm being this way cause i love you less now. We'd meet up soon okay. I promise. Maybe tomorrow? If you're willing to come down Tampines that is. Its okay if you don't want to. I totally understand. (: Look on the bright side tho, atleast you got what you wanted, space. Anw, I miss you. Kisskiss.

Oh bulan, enggan melayan diriku lagi
pabila,
air mata membasahi pipi
dan lagu-lagu di radio seolah-olah memerli aku
pabila,
kau bersama yg lain

2009-06-12T20:10:00.007+08:00

Yay, at long last, someone found my school identity card. I can't believe i have been so careless. Geez.

This whole week was common test period so i've been busy mugging. I can confidently say i can score for all papers except AAP (Anatomy And Physiology) cause i dislike having to memorize all those weird names and know every bone in your whole entire body by heart. Its repulsive. Why would i want to know all of that? I'd rather learn the different kind of microbes that can affect our body systems and know those weird bacteria names. They are so much more easier.

Anyway, whats done is done. I've officially started my 'holidays' tho it isn't really much a holiday for the first 2 weeks. I've got attachement and i thank my lucky stars that Hasbullah Bin Harun is in every clinical attachment as me. That means free rides to the building everyday. =D. And then, i have yet to do my group projects and finish up my CA individual assignment.

So yes, my days are fully packed with activities. And i have yet to go shopping. =D There's loads of sales at Jurong Point. Reaaalllyyyy. Tanganku begegar melihat discount-discount yang diberi kedai-kedai. [ Mak, melayu dah sucky giler ._. ]

And i just miss the beach. But i don't miss having my skin tanned under the hot sun. Have you realised that it seems to get hotter by each passing day? The ozone layer is seriously depleting. With the state the world is in, i don't think i ever have to exercise anymore. I just gotta stand under the sun for a full hour and maybe a quarter of my fats will be gone due to the excessive perspiration. And yes, then i'd be burnt like toast. Sighs. Oh well, i'm glad there's bbq pit on Monday. (: Its been time since i smelt the sea.

Bby's out playing soccer now. After sleeping for more than 15 hours that is. Tsk Tsk Tsk. Talk about hypersomnia. He definately beat Alena hands down . And i thought Alena was the pig. Tsk.

Okay dokie. A full post. I'm done. And famished. Daddy cooked tulang. =D

Bye.

2009-06-11T21:46:00.003+08:00

I think you can be good at this.

Really.

My heart's breaking like an egg. My limbs feel weak.

I feel empty. When i see you say that word. That fucking word.

That word that makes me feel like hitting a wall till it comes crumbling down. Cry and wail like a baby. Or just plainly make me feel like getting violent.

Fcuk. My left chest is hurting me. Shit shit shit shit.

I'm not going to tear up. I must not. I have to be strong.

Okay, i'mma study. Get my mind off this matter.

Home just don't feel right anymore.

2009-06-11T20:30:00.004+08:00

To every guy that's said, "Sex Can Wait"
To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives her flowers and a card when she is sick or down.
To every guy who has given her flowers just because thats how he rolls.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that cried in front of her. ....
To every guy that she cried in front of...
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.
To every guy who would give their jacket up for her.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes.....
To every guy that would give his seat up...
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that walked her to her car and opened the door.
To every guy that gave his heart.
To every guy who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

All girls appreciate guys like these so i don't get why we rarely find them anymore. I guess thats how the world revolutionise. Maybe its those super egos that makes the male species so popular. I don't know. But its pathetically sad that i need these kind of homosapiens in my life and vice versa.

I am me with you. But never wholely. I can never be. Because if i am, you wouldn't like me. I meant it when i said i am contradicting and weird. I could be the most sensitive, the most bitchiest, the most egoistic, the most selfish, the most helpless, the most insecure girl you've ever met. But i don't want to cause i want things to work out. We gotta compromise but i definately hate it when things don't go my way. And i most definately abhore it when you just jossle up all the guys in my past life and use it against me in the present. Cause one, i never did that on you. I know how suckish the feeling is, all that hurt, all the regret coming up again just cause you brought the matter up. Like how a former drug addict can never be trusted with money cause the rest are afraid he'd start his addiction back again. I had to face that feeling and rejection through my family and i feeling that again from you, wow, that just made me stupified.

There's so many things you don't know about me. We both know i'm not really the innocent girl i look to be but you don't know how bad i used to be. Because i find no need to tell my past to you. Because that just isn't me anymore. Because, i guess, i just like knowing you think that i'm some inexperienced girl who's totally clueless in everything.

You're the tit for tat person. But i'm not. Even if you admitted for selfishly not meeting me today and spending time with your friends, i just can't do the same with you. Revenge is sweet at times but not when you are in a relationship. I guess i just believe in karma. Things will go their own way. Everything will come around soon enough.

You do things that can ultimately make me cry my heart out. Make me hurt until i feel like you regretted being with me but i stopped myself. I never told you if i ever got hurt with those 'jokes' cause you think i'm okay with it. And so i made it look like i am. There's a million and one affirmations that inevitably show my love being greater than yours but nevermind.

I'm trying to be strong. I'm rebelling the impulse to turn cold and not care about you or what you say to me to purposely make me feel hurt. Is it nice bby? Knowing that your words do get to me? Does it give you that fetish feeling? Does it make you feel good?

Fuck. Fuck it.

2009-06-09T23:34:00.003+08:00

HAPPY MONTHSARY MUHD ASYAFFRI BIN ABDUL RAZAK.

Eventho the date falls in the midst of our common tests and you're not paying much attention to me, do know that i'd always be there for you. You're never a sucky boyf to me so you should ultimately stop thinking that you're one. (:

You're busy and thats understandable. I would never wanna be a burden to you. For a guy with your kind of background, education is the key to a life you've never had and i want you to achieve that. Even if it means not having me in the picture.

I love you bby.

XOXO

Signed. Sealed. Delivered

2009-06-08T23:48:00.003+08:00

listening to: Infected - Fallon and Felisha

FON was relatively easy to manage. Thank god i studied if not i'd surely kill myself for not knowing how to answer the easiest questions. Tmrw's PAS. Psychology and Sociology. Its a little tough considering the amount of space i need in my brain to understand the notes given but oh well, the test is at 630 pm and i have loads of time to play with.

Bby wants a sweeeeeeeett post about him but i have no idea what to write. Oh well, he is quite right when he says i'm not that mushy kinda girl. I definately know how to string my words to form cool cliche sentences but god, when it comes to these romantic stuff, i'm almost completely clueless. ._.

So.......err. Lemme try to be as sincere as possible.

To start with, my baby is probably one of the most contradicting homosapiens i've ever met in my entire coming 17 years of life. He utters the most crappiest things and can ultimately crack super lame jokes and still laugh at it. He can be super irritating until i feel like crotch-kicking him or just stab him in the face, half hoping he won't die of blood loss. He says things, which to me, feels like he's hinting on wanting to pick verbal fights with me but when he gets one, he admits defeat like a pathetic whimsy.

Yet, he's the most adorable guy i've ever met. He teases me like no tomorrow but will always make sure i know that he was just kidding around. Everytime we playfully fight on the tiniest matters and when he knows he's at the losing end, he'd be the one changing the subject or just say sweet nothings to me until i completely lose my train of thought. He makes me feel pretty and sexy eventho i feel like a complete arsehole at times. With him, most things don't matter anymore. I can talk to him about anything and everything under the soon and not find it embarrassing at all. He takes good care of me and surprisingly, with that tall, not so sexy body, makes me feel secure and important.

Most of the time, i feel i'm bloody hell lucky to have him in my life. Cause he acts more than just a boyf. He's my friend, best friend, brother, daddy and partner. I've learnt from my past relationships that physical matters don't always count as love or is of any importance for that matter. Right now, bby doesn't even believe i love him because of who he is instead feel that his looks contribute to the factor that i love him. But sometimes, it tires me out hinting to him that i've never been the one to say that i'd leave him if he ever grows diagonally or becomes less smart. Who he is when he's with me is the one thing i believe will make me not stop loving him. Among all my ex-s, he's the one guy that can flawlessly show his need for me in the most indirect way possible and by that, i mean not being overly possessive, i can hardly breathe. Having him as my boyf is definately tough, with so many girls wanting him, it makes me appreciate him alot more and making me even more determined not to let any other biyatch get her filthy hands on him, even his ex.

I love you, muhammad asyaffri bin abdul razak. With every fiber of my being. I'm positive. I want you to be the one i last forever with. You're simply perfect and utterly magnificent in my eyes. Even with that no-muscles-but-look-like-got-muscle body and big nostrils. (:

Okay done. <3>Goodnight. Goodbye.

2009-06-07T19:59:00.004+08:00

listening to: New Divide - Linkin Park

I'm having a major headache right now. Probably due to hypersomnia. And i just got back from my cousin's wedding. It was beautiful but i wasn't the photographer for the event so no pictures to talk about my day. I was more in charge of the kitchen actually. It was a small wedding, family and friends were all invited but it was still great. This cousin of mine is the only girl in the family and the rest of her siblings are guys so my aunt was pretty much a wreck. In a good way of course. And my guy cousins are all good-looking guys yet sadly, their lives aren't that much good-looking.

Side-tracking, bby's out studying for common test. I miss him alot man. I can't wait to meet him tomorrow. Bby! On thurs, watch 'Ghost Of the Girlf's Past' with me. Please please pretty please. ): If you love me you'd do it. =D

My boyf's the greatest. The tiffs we have just makes us stronger. And loving me is the best gift he can ever give. (: I love you bby. Bytheway bby, if i'm a little moody this coming week, forgive me cause its my time of the month. You'd understand don't you. (:

<3 2 more days.

I'd do anyth to prove i love you.

2009-06-03T21:19:00.003+08:00

listening to: His Mistakes - Usher

I'm fucking addicted to this song siaaaakkk.

Haiyo. And i passed practical easy peasy. But it was a little paisey wearing my half-uni to school. But seeing my babe, Alena in her own uniform in the early hours just made my day a little more brighter than the dull weather this morning. I wouldn't wanna elaborate but this girl just have her ways of making me laugh and giggle in the MRT all alone until people might prolly think i gotta be sent to IMH for checkup.

Thanks babe. (: Wake up super early for tomorrow practical okay. (: Goood luckyy !

And i must keep a tight rein on bby now since one of my many girlfriends complimented on how cute he is. ( Jangan kembang oi! ). But i wonder how much this boy loves me. Hmph. And i hope he listens to me when it comes to his ex-gf. God, i can get so freakin jealous everytime that girl's around bugging him with relentless text messages and calls. I mean, quit it lah. I'm his gf alrd what. I'm the one who's supposed to be the one bugging him on his whereabouts. Geez.

Btw, i don't get why bby keeps on laughing everytime i get mad. Do i look funny when i'm angry? Grrrrr.

Okay.

Lastly. IloveMuhammadAsyaffri.

6 mre days. C:

2009-06-01T22:27:00.004+08:00

listening to: Life in Technicolor II - Coldplay

Bby's super dee duper cute when he's mad at me. Hahahha. I was innocently buying ingredients to cook dinner fo family and i didn't even bring my phone cause i was going out fo just a short while. When i came back. there was 6 missed calls and 3 text demanding where i am and that i should call him when i get back. And he telling me that he's super mad at me. I can imagine the tone and expression of bby when he said those things in his text messages.

Thats all i wanna blog today.

And oh, i have officially made my ass bigger by sitting on the same seat for bloody 3 hours. This is due to the fact that the service in CGH being fucking turtle slow. I waited for fucking 3 hours just to visit the doctor for less than 15 mins. And while waiting, i made friends with the uncle who sat beside me. ._. Gooooodness.

Tmrw i'm not going gym. Baby wants me to study with him for common test. ._. See how semangat he is? Haiz. Sayang sgt tauuu ni budak yang tk suit pakai slipper adidas matrep ni. Hahahaha. =D

Bye

2009-05-31T12:06:00.006+08:00

listening to: What Hurts The Most - Danny Gokey

I love my Mummy. More than anyone else in the entire world. And alot more than any other member of the family. Just cause she's the one who puts up with all my whines and complains. Softens up everytime i'm in trouble eventho i've been yelling at her a few minutes before. Starving herself just so i can eat the food on her plate. Give me the last few dollars of her money just so i can have lunch outside with my friends. She's there when i was being bullied during Secondary 1. She's there when Daddy threatened to disown me. She's there when i was celebrating my 16th birthday. She's there when i got my results. And she's there when i finally stood up to my Dad's cold ways. If there's anyone i can't survive without, its definately my mother. She tries to understand me eventho to her, it seems my ways are all too irrelevant. She pampers and spoils me all too much and eventho every night, i know Dad scolds her for doing so, she still kept doing it just to see me happy.

And if anything happens to my mother, i don't think i can handle the pain like how i can handle any heartbreak. She's 41 now yet age hasn't even caught up with her. To me, she still looks like she just got married to my Dad. Now she's working and studying at the same time and i rarely get to see her now except weekends. Even when she comes home late everyday, she always wakes up in the wee hours of the next morning just to make sure i woke up for school and send me off from home. I know sometimes i make her feel like she's the worst mother any teen has ever had but i make it a point to show her how very special she is in my life.

I can survive without my dad or any of my siblings but if my mummy ever leaves this world sooner than i expected, i don't know how well i can take that blow. Granny says me and mummy are like twins. We look so much alike and we can sense what the other is feeling but granny pointed out that i'm alot more stronger than my mummy can ever be. Even mummy says that.

Inevitably, i love my whole family, just the love for my mummy is alot more. We may not be the perfect family but atleast all of us can forgive one another for the flaws we perceive to have. We make do with our strengths and those common fights we always have among each other is the one thing that binds us together. I love every one of them however far apart i am from them. (:

I'm not sure what made me this emotional about my family. I just probably miss them eventho we're all under one roof now. ): Family beats entirely everyth else i own in this world.

Bye.

2009-05-30T14:41:00.004+08:00

listening to: No boundaries - Kris Allen

I gotta blog for the sake of bby. But i don't know what to blog about.

School's fine. I finally got all my uniforms and Common Test starts in 2 more weeks. Next week is already my NSL test maaan. I'm not afraid of that more than i'm afraid of AAP's test.

I'm getting my PDA in August. =D.

What else should i write about?

Aina is moving to Sengkang tomorrow. Geez, i hope i'm able to make it. Besok got Madrasah exam siol.

I know bby wants me to update this freaking blog just to see i write more of him. ._.

And including yesterday, its been 3 days since he sent me home. Like literally send me home. Why did he not send me home? Because of his long-time girlf called soccer lah. Nabey. But nevermind. I'm an INDEPENDANT girl cause i know bby hates those dependant ones.

So kau tkya antar aku balik from next week on okay afi? K best.

Oh, and i'm gg to the school gym starting next week. Yay! Cause i already went to the gym orientation so now i have free excess to the school gym. So i'd be having the same body shape i had 3 years ago. =D

Yeahyeah, call me aneroxic okay alena. Hahaha. I feel fat eventho you keep saying i'm not. God, my thighs are like huge. Can't you see that? Geeez. Alena calls it aneroxic nervosa. Someth we learnt in school during psychology. Hahaha.

So i'd exercise till i have my old slim body, flat tummy and sexy thighs back.

Lalalalala,

I love Muhammad Asyaffri Bin Abdul Razak.

Done.

Bye.

P.S i've yet to appear punctual for lessons. Geeez.

2009-05-24T13:05:00.003+08:00

listening to: Takin Back My Love - Enrique Ft Ciara

There was Madrasah Exam today and i came, totally unprepared for it. Stayed for 2 hours and then went home like a good girl. (: Did i mention for my june holidays, i'd be attached to Tampines Polyclinic with Has and Syieka. How lucky can i get. The polyclinic is just a few minutes walk from home. A huge break for me since i have to go to school, which takes 2 hours by bus, every freaking day.

I miss baby. Didn't get a chance to talk to him on the phone yesterday night cause he was too busy with something and i was too sleepy to wait up. I don't get why i can never stay up as late as 1-2am without having to agonize over my extra-sleepy eyes anymore. I guess school has been pretty much taking up my time. The days fly so fast when i'm in school. I get to meet baby almost everyday and i never get bored of it. We have our usual fights every now and then but i know we try not to let it ruin our relationship.

I guess i need to prove to baby i'm not like the other girls in his past. But i know i can do only as much.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past.
You can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. - anonymous.

Only those who're closest to me knows how hard it is for me to be attached to one guy and not have another set waiting in line. But baby, they're gone now. Every last one. And i'm sorry if having too many guys in my life affects your self-esteem and instead increase your doubts on me and our relationship.

I've never controlled the amount of friends you can make. Who it has to be and what gender they have to be. I have no intention in being the bitch who controls your life because its yours, not mine. I trust you not to hurt me. I trust you to not break the trust i have for you. Having too many friends of the opposite sex doesn't necessarily mean i'mma player bby. As long as i know who to priortise, isn't that enough for you?

The guys in my life have nothing that you have. Me. So why be afraid?

I'm not shallow. I don't just change my feelings towards someone just cause i find another more good-looking, more smarter or more sophisticated. You gotta trust me. Because thats the basic foundation of every relationship.

God i love you bby. Why can't you see that? Sighs

Anw, Happy 10th Birthday Nur Sofiyah Nabilah Binte Asmin.

However irritating you can be, you're inevitably my one and only blood sister and nothing can separate us. Be happy always, even if it seems life always try to bring you down. Know i am here for you even if i'm rarely there physically. You're just 10, live your life without any worries. Let the grown-ups handle that. Its your one and only chance. I love you. XOXO.

Bye.

2009-05-23T19:30:00.004+08:00

listening to: Atas Nama Cinta - Rossa

Its funny how you say it boy. You're not interested in girls who are materialistic yet you're one yourself.

The word. Materialistic. It means physical possessions. It just doesn't constitute to only money or fame. It involves alot more. Beauty, Brains, Body. Thats material too. How illiberal can you be? How contradicting can you get?

Is that all that made you interested in me? Is that all that made you be with me? Because of my looks? Because of my brains? And because i'm sporty? Are you that fickle-minded?

I'm sorry baby but those are just things i own temporarily. Age alters our system like i said. As i grow older, i won't look as pretty as i am now. As i grow older, my brain starts to break down. As i grow older, my body won't have those curves you love to touch.

I understand that you've been hurt countless times from other girls, heard sweet nothings from them but that doesn't mean i'm anything like them.

I learnt that from my previous relationships. I allowed my past, my hurt to ruin the relationship i had. I behaved and think differently and in the end, it wasn't only me who got hurt the most, it was my ex-boyf.

Which is why, its a good advantage to treat all boyfriends like he's your first.

Forget about the past, forget about what all your previous ex-es did. Because you're with me, not them. I'm doing so hard to make this work but it takes two hands to clap.

Being in a relationship, we have to take risks. Are you willing to bby?

Then again, i may not be the best for you. If you ever found anyone more worth your time, tell me. I'd back off.

XOXO

2009-05-22T20:15:00.003+08:00

Right now, i'm at the school stadium watching baby playing against Home United. Baby's pretty good i must say but he suck in playing the position he's playing now which is defender. ._. Aiman says he prbbly got that position cause of his height which i find no relation in.

I've got CITS assignment which is due next week and i can't start on it cause my mind's blank and the game is seriously distracting. Aiman and his girlf is beside me right now and i'm uber bored, i decided to blog.

Oh and i have to do my Care plan which is due on Wednesday. And common test are all on Week 8. Which is like 2 weeks from now. The subjects that i have revised on are zilch. ._.

Geez, i hope i'm not screwed.
And i'm gonna get me attachment venue soon. Hope the venue isn't fucked up. I can't wait to wear my uniform maaaann. But i'm dreading my attachment tho. Kene do genital care youy knw. Figure that out yourself. Hahahaha

I love kids. Did i mention that? Mummy says there'd be chance for me to work part time again at her centre. Extra helping hands are needed to take care of the little cute toddlers. Yay, dapat gaji dok.

And i've yet to sign up for my bond with SGH or KK. Aiyo.

I'm done.
I love Muhammad Asyaffri Bin Abdul Razak. To the core. C:

And some ass-fucked girl is creating trouble. Nabuaay.

Bye.

2009-05-19T17:50:00.002+08:00

I love bby so fucking much. I wanna own him for life laaaahhh. And i don't ever wanna let him go cause he's the best. Eventho things happen between us until i feel until there's no hope for us to be together.

Especially yesterday night. His words are like THE BOMB!!!!!! Omgod. I don't wanna think about it.

I wanna say things but he doesn't let me. Ini lah namanye matae, blackmail matae sendiri.

I can't say things that i want in my blog.

Now i donno what to write about.

Byeeeeeeee.

2009-05-17T20:24:00.003+08:00

listening to: Not Good Enough - Escape The Fate

I just slept for 6 hours and i feel good beybeh. I miss baby. I think he's out studying. (:

He asked me to blog but i've got nothing to blog about tho. Hmm.

Oh yeah, i'm thinking of applying for a bond with SGH or KK Hospital. If i get it, then i'd receive a monthly allowance of SGD$850 every month for my first year. For subsequent years, i'd received 50 bux more. C:

And then, i'd apply for Singtel Student Plan cause i can't take it not texting anyone whenever my ppd's low. BBBuuuut, i don't wanna sign it up using any one of my parent's name cause if bill goes sky-rocket, they'd blabber and blabber until my ears pop. ): So i'm trying to figure out how to get past this obstacle. I've got no friends over the age of 21. I mean i do but i'm not that close to them. How HOW HOW?!

Baby, figure this one out for me. ):

I guess thats about it. I love you bby. =D
Take care.

2009-05-15T17:04:00.002+08:00

I think i suck being a girlf.

Why?

Past experiences.

Fuck.

I suck bad.

Sorry bby.

Emotions getting the better of me.

Nabey cibai.

2009-05-15T14:46:00.003+08:00

listening to: Leave ( Get Out ) - Jojo

I'm in school now, sitting at the Atrium and hogging Baby's lappy while he's gone for his class. Hahaha. So now, i'm the temporary baby sitter for this lappy while the big boss is gone. =D

And i found a walkman phone yesterday at Paya Lebar MRT. Bill user samore and so, amik kesempatan, i use a bit laahh. Then now right, the owner knows i use his sim card and demands his phone back but then again, who would be stupid enough to return the phone back? Finders keepers losers weepers right? Hahaha. So bby's borrowing the phone now cause his phone like fuck and he broke the sim card alrd.

And i swear i didnt check the phone's contents but baby did and lord behold, there was one porn video. And its a sex underwater video. Kiwaaakkk. Baby was busy watching it beside me in the library. ._. And i realised that the guy who lost his phone is a Malay man who's a father to 4 kids. My goodness.

But bottom line is, i found the phone. End of story. Hopefully. The police can't track it. Amin Amin Amin

And tomorrow i'm planning to have study date with my babe Alena at Changi Airport. I need to study for next week upcoming tests.

I told myself that i gotta buck up and not be like how i was in sec school. Kene rajin buat kerje so boleh jadi nurse yang baek. (:

And i should be pissed off with baby because he just called me using his ex's name. But i'm not ): Super sad siaaa. Gini macam, matae aku boleh amik kesempatan siaakk. Nabuay. Afi, kalau kau try amik kesempatan, ku jotos kepala kau beh make sure kau tkde father's day lagi i tell you! Grrr.

Baby finishes at 4. But i've got Nabil for company. He's unavailable tho but super cute.

But bby still owns me and my heart no matter what. Eventho bby called me using his ex's name, eventho bby irritates me until i feel like shouting profanities at him. Eventho bby gets jealous so easily i feel like poking him with a toothpick, i still love him so fucking much. Cause he knows how to cheer me up and melt me with his puppy-dog faces and jokes no matter how pissed i am at him.

I want this to last okay bby. If you don't want this to last like how i do, then keep doing what you're ddg and i assure you, i'd dissappear from your life even before you can get a replacement.

Jokes are meant to be funny. But sometimes, your jokes just plain hurts. Especially if it has something to do with girls or your ex-s.

But i love you still. No matter.

Bye. (:

2009-05-12T21:36:00.005+08:00

listening to: BitterSweet Life - My Favourite Highway.

I'm updating this just for the sake of Bby.

I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much. I miss bby effing much.

Okay. I'm super lazy to do it anymore. Heh. I'm sure Bby would understand. I'mma lazy person. What can i say. (:

I did not meet Bby fo ONE WHOLE FREAKING DAY today. Cause apparently, someone slept his whole morning away and didn't wake up until 2 in the afternoon. Tsk. And something happened in the wee morning which i would not wanna elaborate cause bby don't want me to.

And bby's out tonight doing god knows what. Eh kaauu. Aku suro kau duduk rumah, jadi budak baek, kau kluar jugak eh. Da lah tak pergi skola. Aku da agak kau takkan dengar kata aku nye. Apaaaaaaa punyaa matae. Hmph.

Besok ditch your soccer training and follow me meet my girlfs ah b. You yourself say soccer is something but i'm your everything. I'm sure you'd do anything for your everything RRRIIIGGGHHHHTTTTT ? hehehehe. I'm evil, yes i am. =D

Baby makes me high. ): Cause he knows where my weak spot is. So see, he's as evil as i am.

Okay i'm done.
I love you baby.
You'd ditch soccer if you love me as much as you say you do. =D.

Yes. I'm black-mailing you.

Byeeeeee.

Bby. You sounded like you mean what you said.

2009-05-09T22:01:00.004+08:00

listening to: Themata - Karnivool

We're not even a day old yet. And yet, we're fighting. Because of a guy. Because of something you pieced together so wrongly. Because of the doubts you have. Of me. Of you. Of everything thats circulating us.

Trust is the base of every relationship. You said that you can't give me much except love. Then doesn't loving needs trusting? How are you supposed to trust me and love me at the same time?

And it hurts. That you put down the phone on me. Without knowing the full story. And just accusing me of lying. It hurts even more when i called back, and you act as tho you don't care. You don't care one bit. Which is so unlike you.

I do get jealous. But never to the extent of slamming down the phone. Or accusing. Without knowing the full story. Because i know its rude. I know it hurts. I know how you're gonna feel if i react like a bitch.

Fuck it hurts bad. That you think i'm like the rest of the girls in your past and present life.

But i love you. I still do love you Muhammad Asyaffri Bin Abdul Razak.

XOXO

2009-05-06T13:18:00.005+08:00

I'm in school, using my friend's lappy. We were supposed to watch Ayat-ayat Cinta but then, well, some time constrain and yeah, we aren't watching it today. Mind you, non of them speaks Malay but they wanna watch Indonesian movie. ._. But cool lah, in a way.

I'm waiting for Afi to finish sch anw, but i'm gonna play pool for a while with Jai later. (: And then, hopefully, when i have the time, i'd meet my girlfriends at BR cause its been so long since i last saw them.

I ain't gonna watch Afi play soccer today cause then i have to watch Haz play soccer as well and if i do, obviously, i'm gonna go home with Haz cause one, he lives so fucking near me and two, HE OWNS A BIKEEEEEEE! Which will make Afi super dee duper jealous cause Haz owns something i like which he doesn't have. Get it? No? Your problem if you don't get it.

And did i mention i hate this particular teacher who isnt at all understanding? She marked me absent from her class four freaking times! When i've only reached her class after 15 minutes TWICE! Fug. And she knows i live at Tampines. I have to report to her bloody class at 8 in the morning. NBCB. Torture me jek to wake up early. Pfft.

But, i promised myself nothing will ruin my happy mood this week. Not even this god-damned teacher.

And yesterday i went for futsal training. Super gerek. Played matches with different girl groups. And goodness i gotta go gym alrd. I'm so not fit like how i used to be. Why? Cause during warm-up, we were supposed to do suicide run ( you don't know whats that, ask your P.E teacher ), well, i bent down to touch the line and my knees buckled and i feel flat on my face, and all the while when i was sprinting. So imagineeeeeee. Fucking paisey lah cause there were guys watching. So as per usual, i got up, eventho my leg was bleeding and said i was okay eventho i clearly wasnt since i limped instead of walk. ._.

End of story. =D

I'm done. Heh. Bye. (:

Second Post

2009-05-03T20:59:00.003+08:00

Elated. Fxuking Elated.

Haidzir called. He called. After 24860586 years of not contacting. I miss him oh so much. So fucking much.

Eventho we managed to catch up with each other for only a few minutes, those few minutes is sufficient enough to make me happy the whole week thro.

Like my heart suddenly has grown wings. Like the prickle of the cold rain on my skin. Like breathing the fresh sea air down by the beach. And those few minutes felt like mere seconds just listening. But never hearing.

June 12. He's going for NS. ): And staying in for 3 months.

Remember your promises boy. You know how much i trust you. You know how badly i wanna love you with every fiber of my being.

Thank you for being ever so patient with me. Thank you for being ever so understanding of my situation. Thank you for having the initiative to call even when you were so busy. Thank you for loving me ever so relentlessly even when you knew of the guys who come and go in my life. Even when we're nothing yet. Even when you know how i am when it comes to relationships. (:

Muhammad Haidzir. Ace Dragon. Fiero. That chinese boy.

Its confirmed. Nothing would stop me from being so happy this whole week.

Bye